Joke 10 May 2, 2005 10:53 am Mood: cheerful, 1829 Views Troubled day This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison." 1 comment

Joke 9 May 2, 2005 10:23 am Mood: cheerful, 1762 Views Subject: How to call the Police Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 08:36:29 -0600 >George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife >told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could >see from >the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light >but >saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. > > >He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" >and >he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should >simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be >along when >available. > > >George said,! "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned The police again. >"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago Because there wer people >in my >shed. >Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot >them all". >Then he hung up. > >Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and >an >ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the >police caught the >burglars red-handed. > > >One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said That you'd >shot them!" > >George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" > > > >(True Story) I LOVE IT... 1 comment

I am so excited!! Apr 29, 2005 10:58 am Mood: adventurous, 2075 Views I am beginning to start my up a buisness that I've thought about it for a year. Dream about it..Now its finally going to happen. I had a college graduated who does web pages, came over to my place and teach me what needs to be done. It was kind of AWESOME!! I had to bust out my credit card to join a company that have all the feature for me. The only thing I need to do is scan all of my Korean DVD's and need to write out what the movie is about. Well first I had to bust out my 3x3 post it and go into the websites that I purchased my K-DVD write down the Title in English and the region code.. I had 3 different website on my screen..It was crazy but I did it.. Can't believe how much I spent on the DVD's but I know I will make the money back. Once I write it down..I scan the cover of the DVD then copy it then transfer to another screen and write the title under the DVD cover. WOW!! I am not ILLITERATE after all.. Once I scan all of my 150 or more so call DVD's ( mm I guess I did have a life after all) then I have to write each movies what it's all about..That is going to take me till christmas of 2006 (haha) but I got a deadline in 3 weeks I need to get my project down. Because June 1st 2005 my business will be online.. This is adventure for me..Once I do good in this business then I can start venture out in purchasing other asian movies.. I need to go and find a Chinese dragon and put money in his mouth and go to a japanese department store and buy good luck charms, Oh find a buddah and rub the tummy..(haha) I NEED ALL THE GOOD LUCK I CAN GET.. I hope my dream does not burst, if it does at least I try it!! ren 10 Comments

Joke 8 Apr 20, 2005 10:30 am Mood: cheerful, 1791 Views Three plastic surgeons were sitting at a bar in Texas. After several drinks, they started bragging. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States." 1 comment

Poems from Adoption.com Apr 13, 2005 7:50 pm Mood: calm, 1896 Views I found a website that have poems from/to adoption...hope you enjoy it!!! _________________________________________________ Precious Gift In my arms I held The most precious thing Known to mankind With ten little fingers And ten little toes Hair of brown and eyes of blue So little and fragile I didn't want to let go As she looked up at me With such uncertain eyes She gave out a little cry There I knew I had to let go I placed her in the arms Of one that could not bear her own But could give her all I could not ___________________________________________ So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore. But lately I've been thinking, Cause it's all I've had to do. And in my heart I feel that I Should give this child to you. And maybe, you could tell your baby, When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son, From God's arms, to my arms, to yours. If you choose to tell him, If he wants to know, How the one who gave him life Could bear to let him go. Just tell him there were sleepless nights, I prayed and paced the floors, And knew the only peace I'd find, Was if this child was yours. And maybe, you could tell your baby, When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son, From God's arms, to my arms, to yours. This may not be the answer, For another girl like me. But I'm not on a soapbox, Saying how we all should be. I'm just trusting in my feelings, And I'm trusting God above, And I'm trusting you can give this baby Both his mothers' love. And maybe, you could tell your baby, When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son, From God's arms, to my arms, to yours. _________________________________________________ The Last Hour One Hour Left-till I must let you go, I stare at your face and silently scream NO! I miss you already, I looked at you and said, as I made sure to be careful of your soft little head, You were simply perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes, Your Daddy's eyes, and your Mommy's nose, we coulnd't stop crying, your daddy and me, Our hearts were as broken, as broken could be, We wanted you Kaylan, I swear that is true, But we had to do what was best for YOU, We sobbed and stared, as the clock ticked on, 1 half hour now, until you were gone, I started to think of the months before, Then began to cry more and more, I remembered then, why my choice was right, But I'll sure miss your kicks in my belly at night, 10 minutes now, and I began to pray, I felt my heart be ripped out that day, I prayed for your safty, your happiness, and heart, then I told you how I have loved you from the start, I prayed you'd understand that my love is true, and that this really was the right thing for you, Their was a lot to that prayer, but now it's a blur, Then, I told my child, how much I'd miss her... I swear I saw you smile that day, As I wished to myself that you could stay- But the time was up as my heart broke in two, I knew what it was that I had to do, I thought to myself, how will I do this, Then I handed you to Daddy with some tears and a kiss, He told you he loved you and kissed your sweet head, I don't know about him, but I felt numb, almost, dead, I have felt dead since then, without you next to me, But it's all worth it see, because you are happy, Much happier with your new mom and dad my princess, that's true... But don't ever think that we don't miss you, With all our hearts, Miss Kaylan Marie, we are here and we love you...your FIRST family ________________________________________________ Why am I looking at you wishing that I didn't have to let you go? Why do I sit here & think the future is a more happier place without your mother there? Why do I hope your parents are sweet? Yes I did my wrong but if my wrong was so wrong then WHY did I have a sweet baby like you? 1 comment

Joke 7 Apr 13, 2005 12:52 pm Mood: cheerful, 1749 Views A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." 1 comment

Joke 6 Apr 9, 2005 7:28 pm Mood: cheerful, 1951 Views TO ALL SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT Marriage (Part Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not." (DAMM SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part I Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last." (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ************************************* Marriage (Part II A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) *************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. . . 5 Comments

To brighten your day (smile) Apr 6, 2005 12:38 pm Mood: cheerful, 1889 Views This morning I searched my wallet. . . It was empty. Then I checked my pockets. . . I found a few coins. Then I searched my heart and found you. . . And I realized how rich I really am. Thanks for being my friend ! ! Have a wonderful spring ! ! 3 Comments

Joke 5 Apr 1, 2005 11:12 am Mood: silly, 1800 Views Subject: Three ducks walked into a bar. Three ducks walked into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." 3 Comments

Joke 4 Mar 29, 2005 6:29 pm Mood: cheerful, 1804 Views Alright you need to speak loud to hear yourself speak..let me know it this joke (THUMBS UP OR THUMBS DOWN) this is how we Hawaiian speak BROKEN ENGLISH..Your first pidgin language.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ U KNOW U ONE LOCAL IF... You buy planny toilet paper in case get one longshoreman strike. You don't understand why anyone would buy less than one 20 lb bag of rice. You would serve spam as a meat for dinner. You can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi. You know what "stink eye" is, and you bettah believe you know how for geev em You can correctly pronouce Kalanianaole, Kalakaua and Aiea. You know what is in the big breakfast at MacDonald's. You know what "huli huli chicken" is. You can name 3 kine mango You have at least one family member whose name is "_____ boy" or "tita" You have said "wat, owe you money?","karang your alas", or "dakine" You know the difference between being hapa and being hapai. You give directions using mauka and makai. You know what is "hawaii pono'i"; You know what it takes to get into Kamehameha school, (an Aunty name Lokelani!). You can correctly pronounce "Likelike." Someone says the word "UKU" and your head starts itching. You raise your chin to say "wassup" instead of nodding. When making "Shaka", the back of your hand is facing out. You say, "Nori" not seaweed paper. You say "Brah" not "Bro" Your jokes are about Potagee not Portugese. You laugh at couples with corny kine Aloha wear. You get one pair of "tata" slippers. You e-mail people in pidgin. It's 70 degrees and you stay freezing. You use "tako" or hotdogs and old bread instead of worms or fluorescent pink fish eggs for bait. You got lickins' wit "da rubbah slippah" or "da rice paddle". You can walk through Waianae and not get mugged, well, sometimes at least. You know that one "Kukui nut" is not some mental person. You call it "Saimin" not "Top Ramen", you know Sapporo Ichiban mo bettah. The surf report is on your speed dial. Dressing up means shorts and an aloha shirt and da black slippah instead of da rainbow one! You say "shave ice", not snow cone or shaved ice. Rainbow Drive-Inn is a special date. You go Kam, not Aloha swap meet. You know pineapples don't grow in trees. You know what Li Hing Mui is and you put it on everyting. You ask for Shoyu and not Soy Sauce. You call public transportation "da BUS." The Governor is your cousin's cousin. You know what the H3 is but you scared drive cause you tink it stay haunted. You search your car for pork before you go over da Pali. You always know what "da kine" means. Mainland people no understand when you talk. You eat spam musubi on regular occasions. You nevah wear shoes in the house. You can wear slippers to almost anywhere. You eat mango with shoyu, vinegar, and pepper. You can be wearing boros and nobody tink nothin. You never feel shame being the only one buying Spam in CostCo on the Mainland. You get one built-in space between your big-toe and dakine. You like ume, daikon, and kim chee better than pickles. On the mainland, you wondah "How come nobody get "Plate Lunch ovah heah?". When you go bathroom, you say "I going shi shi". You give directions by saying things like, "oh yeah by where the STADIUM used to be.... You go Kalihi Bowl fo eat"OX TAIL SOUP". You think BAYWATCH HAWAII is stupit, cause they no know how fo ack and Hasslehoff sounds supa lolo tryin fo say "Eh, howzit,brah!" (actually, you jus jealous u not in da show!!) The local Korean bars serve you a glass of ice and large platter of pupu's with your beer. Eating healthy means Spam Lite. You never understood why adding pineapple and ham to one pizza made it Hawaiian to the rest of the world. When you say "Book" and a filipino gets all piss off. If u know how fo say ukulele right. When all ur meals are wit rice, even if you eating spaghetti. The fool-proof name for every woman you meet is "Aunty", if you can't remember their real name. The same goes for older males and "uncle." You know dat rice iz mo'bettah den mash potatoes. You still call dem RAINBOWZ not Warriorz. You know how fo skank and you know when I say it I ain't using da haole slang. When you make rice, you use da line on your fingah fo measure da water. 2 Comments

 ren1957

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