GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS Sep 18, 2005 11:18 pm Mood: cheerful, 1404 Views GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS >> >> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. >> >> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. >> >> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. >> >> A successful woman is one who can find such a man. >> >> _____________________________ >> >> HAPPINESS >> >> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a >> little. >> >> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to >> understand her at all. >> >> ______________________________ >> >> LONGEVITY >> >> Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot >> more willing to die. >> >> ______________________________ >> >> PROPENSITY TO CHANGE >> >> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. >> >> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. >> >> _____________________________ >> >> DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE >> >> A woman has the last word in any argument. >> >> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. >> >> _____________________________ >> >> HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED >> >> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs >> and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started >> doing the same thing to them at funerals. >> >> SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS >> YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT. 1 comment

MARTHA vs MAXINE Sep 14, 2005 5:11 pm Mood: cheerful, 1432 Views *Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips *Maxine's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway! *Martha's way* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. *Maxine's way* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year. *Martha's Way* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. *Maxine's way* Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you *Martha's way* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." *Maxine's Way* If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" *Martha's Way* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. *Maxine's Way* Celery? Never heard of it! *Martha's way* Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. *Maxine's way* The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't. *Marths' Way* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away *Maxine's way* Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! *Martha's way* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. *Maxine's way* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. *Martha's way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. *Maxine's Way* Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!! 0 Comments

One life saved... Sep 13, 2005 12:04 am Mood: cheerful, 1496 Views A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below. He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind." "Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!" 1 comment

Sharing Hotel Rooms Sep 12, 2005 11:35 pm Mood: cheerful, 1524 Views By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." 1 comment

A Texan farmer goes... Sep 12, 2005 10:14 pm Mood: cheerful, 1533 Views A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" 2 Comments

Caught in the Amazon Jungle... Sep 12, 2005 10:12 pm Mood: cheerful, 1357 Views Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?" And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! " 1 comment

How I got my name? Sep 12, 2005 10:08 pm Mood: calm, 1397 Views A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said. Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies. The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious" 1 comment

Maya Angelou's Thoughts Sep 11, 2005 4:13 pm Mood: beautiful, 1526 Views In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words! Maya Angelou said this: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow." "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." "I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life." "I've learned that making a "living"is not the same thing as "making a life." "I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance." "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back." "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one." , "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back." "I've learned that I still have a lot to learn." "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Please send this to five phenomenal women today. If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem. 1 comment

To A Keeper, Sep 7, 2005 9:44 pm Mood: cheerful, 1607 Views ¸...¸ ___ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ //____/\ ```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±± ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º° One day someone's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away never to return before we can say good-bye, say "I love you!" ¸...¸ ___ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ //____/\ ```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±± ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º° So while we have it . . . it's best we love it . . . and care for it . And fix it when it's broken . . . and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage and old cars . . . and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. ¸...¸ ___ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ //____/\ ```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±± ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º° Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what. ¸...¸ ___ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ //____/\ ```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±± ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º° Life is important, like people we know who are special . . . and so, We keep them close ¸...¸ ___ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ //____/\ ```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±± ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º° I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! I then sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life. ¸...¸ ___ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ //____/\ ```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±± ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º° Thank you for being a special part of my life! ¸..¸ ___ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ //____/\ ```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±± ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º° You're a Keeper 2 Comments

I Love My Job Sep 7, 2005 6:46 pm Mood: bouncy, 1576 Views I love my Job I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss; he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded Cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my Peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my Computer and all its Software; I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each Program and every File, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am; I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam. I love this Work: I love these Chores. I love the Meetings with deadly Bores. I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men - These men who've come to visit today in lovely white coats to take me away!! 2 Comments

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