A writer writes. . .and the topic becomes an obsession. Jun 29, 2009 4:23 am Mood: relaxed, 1229 Views I am a historian. I am proud of that. I am a student of history and a student of global politics, economics, sociology and philosophy. I am proud of the accomplishments I have made in these fields. I am also a writer. . .a songwriter and a screenwriter. Being a historian, my scripts are usually based on historic events, while my songs detail with interpersonal relationships and the frailty of the human condition. I am proud of my work. I pour my soul into it. I've written close to 300 songs since 2007 and seven full length screenplays since 2003, including two this year. While my first movies dealt with concepts I developed in my teens, my last four deal with historic or sociological issues. In 2007, I wrote a piece called "Into Loud Silence." I entered it into a screenwriting competition sponsored by "Creative Screenwriting Magazine," the first time I ever entered one of my pieces in such a competition. I did not win, however, I placed in the top 5% of submissions. I consider that a success that our of over 3500 screenplays submitted, my piece was in the top 175. "Into Loud Silence" deals with the worst instance of mass killing in the history of any Native American war. . .the Camp Grant Massacre outside of Tucson, Arizona in 1871. With two years of research into it, the movie wrote itself in four days, where I spent ten hours a day writing. I am completely proud of this piece. But, along the way, I changed. The people Tucson has canonized I cannot. People like William Oury, Sam Hughes, APK Safford, John Wasson. . .these people used people's fears to enable their greed on the blood of sleeping, surrendered Apache women and children. Sam Hughes was a monster, not a hero. Yes, he created TUSD, but he enabled mass murder. Wasson Peak; Safford, Arizona; Oury Recreational Center, Sam Hughes Neighborhood. I began to despise Tucson for not knowing its history, not caring and doing nothing to atone to Peridot, Arizona for the open, bleeding wound that the Apache still feel. In 2008, I began researching another topic in history: The Nanjing Massacre of 1937. . .the one where the Japanese butchered over 300,000 Chinese in fourteen weeks. Politics aside, because I am not in the mood for that petty bullshit, what the Japanese did was horrific. I've read transcripts, diaries, seen documentaries, conducted interviews. . .and this action has tainted my view of the Japanese forever. I see them the same way I see Nazis. The Germans have attempted to atone for the Holocaust. . .the Japanese flatly deny their hand in numerous massacres (Manila, Bangka Island, Changjiao, Kalagong, Parit Sulong, Sook Ching, Bataan, Room 731, the use of Korean women as gang raped comfort women) and their history books gloss over it as if it never happened. I wrote this movie in order to tell the story of the Chinese War Crimes Trials of the Japanese in 1946. In the process, something happened. I lost my view of Japan. I loathe what they did. . .and I despise their refusal to accept their hand in the bloodshed they caused. I know that if I can find producers in China to make this movie, the Japanese will never grant me a visa again. As far as I am concerned, that is fine. Personally, the Americans should have given the Royal Family to the Chinese. I know Chiang Kai-Shek and Mao Zedong would have loved watching Prince Asaka and Emperor Hirohito publicly executed. I just finished another movie, "NIMBY," about the county and town where I grew up. I know how popular I will be there when this movie is made (because it's in the process of being sold). Sadly, again. . .I flat don't care. It's the history of the area I lived for 13 years, along with their narrow minded attitudes, tacit racism and open provincialism. Right now, I am researching another historical based movie, this one taking place in 1941 at a Russian Canyon outside of Kiev called "Babi Yar," a place where Nazis executed 34,000 Jews in less than two days, and another 200,000 over the next two years. While this will not be controversial, my treatment of the Russians that handed their Jews to Nazis happily, then scrubbed their history to avoid mentioning that the victims of Babi Yar were Jews will make me very unpopular in Russia if I can get this movie made. But, I don't care. History is not about dates, it's about perspective. History is a "why" discipline, not a "who, what, where, when" recital of fact. Facts are concrete. Sadly, most people don't even know their history. Of the ten movies I have planned to write, all but one of them are based on some forgotten part of history. "Mountain Meadows Retreat," based on the Utah Civil War of 1876, the Mountain Meadows Massacre and the fact that good, Christian Mormons blamed on the Paiutes, leading to massive massacring of Paiutes. "Springhill," based on the Springhill Mine Disaster in 1957 in Nova Scotia. "Left for Dead," based on the 1917 Bisbee Deportation of union activists by the Phelps-Dodge Mining profiteers and their Arizona government lackeys and stooges that profited with poor working conditions and a dual wage system for Anglos and Mexicans. "The Used Warrior," based on the British use and throw away of Joseph Brant and how General Sullivan butchers Iroquois for the sake of watching them die. "A Long Walk Away," based on Kit Carson and Gen. Carleton's Long Walk of the Navajo and the settlement of the Navajo in the forlorn Bosque Redondo, leading to the disease death over over 20,000 Navajo. "Wildcat," based on the 1894 Wildcat Strike of the Pullman Railroad Company and the railroading of workers into prison by corporate sponsored judges, police and paid Pinkerton Detectives, all because Pullman owned everything the workers had, including their clothing. "The Hunter’s Visa," based on Japanese diplomat Chuine Sugihara assisting ten thousand Jews looking to escape Nazi extermination in Lithuaniah while the Russians used it as a way to fleece the poverty striken Jews out of every dime they had. Chuine was thrown on the dustbin of history, forgotten even today by most people. "A Woman’s Worth," based on the Apache legend of the real life woman Gouyen. "Pleasant Valley," based on the rancher range war in Northern Arizona during the mid 1880s. Some are lighter than others, but the entire scope is history. These are stories that need to be told. Sadly, most people are ignorant of current events, let alone history. I am obsessed now with the topic I write about. A writer writes, but the subjects do become an obsession. I feel, after my research into the Nanjing Massacre, so much love for China and the Chinese that I cannot express my feelings in words. I feel so much love for the Apache that I cannot express it in words. I am Jewish, so the love of Jews will always be there. My topics become my obsession. As such, I've learned so much about them. Sadly, most people just don't care. I wish sometimes I could look at the world like 90% of the world's population, as a willfully ignorant boob. Unfortunately, with a Master's Degree, the desire for the Doctorate and the desire to read EVERYTHING in the world (along with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge), I cannot look at the world like the common ignoramus, which bothers me. Morons are always sure about everything. Intellectuals are always questioning. I wish I was sure about some things. 2 Comments

Just resigned from my hagwan. . .already have new job Mar 10, 2009 2:10 am Mood: annoyed, 1983 Views Okay, so I just resigned from my hagwan, my "school" from Hell. Let me describe to you my process of getting here. I contact this recruiter (let's call him turd blossom) and give him my information. He seems knowledgeable and smooth and since I wanted to travel, I decided to give him a shot. I asked for three things: 1) No Kindergarten: He tells me I would have to take it because that way I would get full time pay. I tell him I have no skill and no ability with children that young and would be "very unhappy." He tells me "no, it's a breeze." 2) High School: I am at my best in a high school setting, being certified high school history/government. He says he can only do elementary, then gives me hours horror stories about high schools in Korea. 3) Public School: Charter Schools in the States are just like "private academies;" they look at students as clients and customers and truly do not have the interests of their students or teachers at heart. It's either a profit motive or simply a way for sociopaths to get instant credibility. Hagwans and charter schools are businesses, not schools, and I did not want to work in a place with the business mentality. He tells me "it's different here in Korea." Of course, I ask around and get nothing but bullshit from people he tells me to talk to. I even the the line "my girlfriend will be working there. Will I send her to a garbage place?" So, I sign my contract, after Turd Blossom says "I worked to get you more pay." I told him this might not work out because I have no experience with elementary. I have no experience with kids under 12 years old period. Turd Blossom blows off my fears and away I come. Five weeks in, there's a problem. Apparently the Director (let's call him Inept Douchebag) doesn't believe I am using my prep time effectively because he never sees me working. I lose it. I have 95 minutes of prep time. It takes me 20 to do my lesson plans. He threats to can me after five weeks. Read Flags go up. Between then and now, I have limited communication with him. Indept Douchebag hides in his office and barely speaks to me. I truly have so little to say to him that I avoid him completely. In January, Indept Douchebag alienates his second in command, tipping his hand and forcing a resignation. Three teachers follow. Suddenly, Turd Blossom weasels his way into a position of power in the hagwan, exhibiting no real leadership or consensus building skills. Suddenly, complaints start rolling in about me. Of course, I am told of none of this, so I keep teaching the way I have been for the previous four years. Then today, the crap hits the fan. I am called into a meeting and given the ultimatum: "We have had numerous complaints . You need to change the way you teach [This is an insult to any professional teacher who knows their system works]. You lost the faith in the parents . You need to change. This is my last warning ." I am floored. Inept Douchebag doesn't communicate, doesn't lead and doesn't do anything . . . he sits on his computer and does nothing all day everyday. Hagwan teacher complaints are taken as absolute truth by this piece of crap because he is losing money and panicking. I already have a contract and a PASS with EPIC. I start working April 1st. I was out of this hagwan even before this crap happened. I was just waiting for the time. This exercise in inept school management forced my hand about three days sooner than I expected to resign. Here are the complaints: a) I asked a student to get me chair because he was sitting next to it. b) I talk too fast. c) I don't explain anything, even though I explain EVERYTHING. d) I tell the kids about my family when they ask, instead of teaching all the time. Even though the material takes me 20 minutes to go over. e) I wore my yarmulke to school for a Jewish holiday and had the audacity to answer questions about it. f) By the end of the day, my feet smell from standing and working all day and the kids don't like it (even though they smell like rotting cabbage and dead fish ALL the time). g) I yell at the kids for not saying "please," "thank you," "you're welcome," and for being rude and disrespectful. h) I play too rough with the kids (even though they tackle me all the time). Notice the ticky-tack bullcrap! Again, none of this was communicated to me at all. Good riddance and goodbye. The final note: They are threatening to deport me, even though I know the way around the system. I never do anything without checking on anything anyway. The breach of contract is only a small part of my problem with this place. I feel I was lied to repeatedly, misused and abused. I was even attacked on the job by Turd Blossom. I have been made to feel completely worthless at this place and that I don't know what I am doing. To be honest, I have set curriculum, observed teachers, presented workshops, let professional development, mentored teachers and been used as a master teacher by universities. I come to a Hagwan in Korea and am treated like some do nothing simp who barely has the brains to stand up and walk upright. I am glad this is over at this place. I start my new job April 1st at a public school. . .more money, less hours, better working conditions and more intelligent professional educators, not warm, white bodies. Hell, I might even be able to employ more interactivity with the kids and teach them the way I usually teach without some spoiled, rich "too much time on her hands" Korean housewife and her little bratty "Chaewon" or "Juna" complaining that "teacher yelled at me for no reason." 2 Comments

Hagwans = For Profit Education = WORST IDEA EVER!!! Mar 7, 2009 3:11 am Mood: bitchy, 2410 Views Schools are not businesses. They will never be businesses, they can never be run as businesses and no teacher can be viewed as an assembly line worker. The mark of business is to turn a profit, not educate. As such, for profit education is, but itself a rotten idea. It is worthless and counter-productive, since if a business cannot make money, it will cut corners. Education is not something you can measure in tangible areas, like pounds of roast beef. Education takes YEARS to develop in a person. Education today will not be felt for another twenty years. Education is long term, business only care about short term. As such, Hagwans are the worst idea in education since high stakes standardized testing, since education gears itself in HSST systems to teach to the test and nothing else. I hope the hagwan system fails, but I'm beginning to see that Korean educational philosophy is about 50 years behind the rest of the world. I'm surprised female teachers can get married and have kids in Korea. Education here is a joke. 8 Comments

The world's economy is failing, Korea's close to war, the Won is dead. . .want to know why? Feb 22, 2009 3:06 am 2089 Views I met someone. God's plan of screwing my life up failed. I still lost my faith in God, even with this development, but I am a lot happier now. Maybe the six years of pain will be over now. 5 Comments

More of my Copyrighted Song lyrics Jan 25, 2009 9:40 pm Mood: Ehh, 2378 Views May I Be The search is exhausted The results are exalted At last I found what I thought I never would Though the memories I hold come back to me The pain they bring is breaking free I know I'm meant to follow My heart and so tomorrow I know that I could feel as I should And the sun shines on me so brightly Am I at last at home? Am I not alone? Am I finally where I wanted to be? I feel the weight release from me (Is it what you thought?) But could the nightmare return to me again then she smiles and whispers "I love you" May I someday be exactly what she sees in me Dripping Faucet I am here today I feel the wind caress my face My mind is at ease And am so weak right now I want to scream But I really don't know how I am here. . .I am fear I was there last night I felt the darkness of my fright My life has turned And I do not wonder why I work to adjust And come up with ways to lie I am there. . .and nowhere I will be there real soon And my mind has craved it even more I used to be Alone, but at last I've found my peace I look at my arms And the gift that brings my feast I am here. . .she is near Something Dumb That's just me Smoking hookah on the front porch That's just me Smoking hookah in the backyard That's just me Burning incense in my bedroom That's just me Cutting rugs with the boom boom That's just bro Lighting weed with a blow torch That's just sis Sleeping in the shipyard That's just Mom Smoking in the boy's room That's just Dad Pretending he's happy in the gloom Smoking hookah in the dark Smoking hookah in Central Park Smoking weed near police Smoking hookah without a coal that sparks That's just me Watching Homer getting smacked again That's just me Knowing Layne's getting smack and then That's just me Finding Valhalla That was me Listening to Nirvana In my room or in my bed Half alive and not quiet dead Should make music pounding in my head Smoking hookah and eating jjajang instead Finding inner peace You’re Not What You Say I listen to everything you say Even when you don’t believe I hear I don’t believe you When you say that You’re the dark in the day I don’t believe anyway Because you’re not what you say you are You’re not what you think you are You’re not who you believe you are You’re just the woman who is finally beginning to bloom So you’re not what you say you are I console you everyday Even though I know I’m not near I’ve tried to show you When I say that You’re the sunshine in May You don’t believe anyway Because you’re not what you say you are You’re not what you think you are You’re not who you believe you are You’re just a beautiful woman who’s letting her wings loose So you’re not what you say you are Messed up in the head Given to the walking dead They don’t deserve you They don’t appreciate you Esteem comes to those you feel it Big dreams come to those who need it Reach out and stake your claim Remove your shame We listen to everything we say We say nothing except our fears We don’t believe that Dreams come in seconds flat We project our own pain To make it through the day Still one day I hope when the fog has lifted You’ll understand the ground has shifted And you’ll think you’re a gift Because you’re not what you say you are And I’m not what I think am We’re not who we believe we are We’re simply two people trying to make it against the odds That’s all we are I Found God Listen God I'm so tired You're so lax, should get fired Say you love me, you're a liar Lost faith in higher powers Feel dirty but cannot shower My time will stop in an hour Preacher sounds like the town's cryer Burn in Hell and the mire I found God but now I'm lost I found heaven but at what cost Full of sadness, full of cross God are you hearing me? Okay, I'm back, now please hear me You threats of Hell just don't scare me Preacher says I should fear thee Sounds like I need a shot of whiskey So much crap you send me Take it back I don't want it in me You're so good but you don't say now Just us all die and you hide away now I found God and now I'm done I found God in the morning sun Full of doubt when the day is done God are you hearing me? No more Bibles No more prayers No more church You've lost your share As I lay me down to sleep I know my soul the Lord can't keep Preacher says for me he'll weep Another soul in Heaven's leap Do you think I am an insane now? It's the typical refrain now No more faith in superstition In God's eyes I know I won't win I found God underneath my stairs I found God for all to share I know he's not anywhere God are you hearing me? God, are you hearing me? God, you'll never hear me! 1 comment

I love being dismissed Jan 22, 2009 2:31 am Mood: destroyed, 2532 Views It's the greatest feeling on Earth. Dismissal comes in three forms: 1) The Narrow Mind (or the "That's never happened to me" route) Instantly, this puts me on the defensive, diminishing my pain and misery (or experience) into a "well, you haven't met the right people" or "you're wrong" line. 2) The Amateur Psychologist (or the "You need to look at yourself" route) Again, this puts me on the defensive. People like to point the fingers at me for my pain and misery. . .but I already point all ten of my fingers at me. How many more fingers can blame me? 3) The Ultimate Dismissal (or the "you're fishing for sympathy) route) I don't know where to start with this. It's destructive, defeating, demoralizing and destined to make me sink even more inside my shell and inside my walls. There is a fourth, which I call the Evangelist (or the "put your faith in God" line). THERE IS NOT GOD DAMN GOD!!! Don't convince me there is. There isn't. These are the typical reactions to the misery and pain I have. It fuels the pain and hurt into a spiral the size of the Niagara River whirlpool. I'm 26 days sober and on my 10th attempt to remain so, and all I hear is the bottle calling me back. 5 Comments

Screw my birthday Jan 19, 2009 4:19 am Mood: flattened, 2752 Views You heard me. I turned 30 today and all I want is to die. I have nothing but complete heart ache here in Korea. I DJed a co-worker's birthday, only to be ignored while I did it and not thanked after I was finished. I bought two female co-workers earrings on their birthdays that totaled almost 300,000 Won in price. One have me a forced "thank you," the other rolled her eyes and has ignored me ever since. On top of that, I treated them, and one of my co-worker's boyfriends to a Nore-bang in the VIP room for three hours. I bought dinners for my co-workers out of the goodness of my heart. I've bought rounds at bars, I've done everything to show I am a good person. Today is my birthday. I got a card, I got forced "happy birthdays" and I got ignored. I keep saying to people my life is nothing but pain and misery. Today is living proof. I turned 30 today. All I want to do is die. At least then, my misery and torture will be over. No one cares to understand me, no one cares to try to get to know me. . .I either get "he's too moody, I don't like him" or "he's a monster, I don't like him." I turned 30. . .January 19th. All I want is my life to end. What do I have to look forward to? Never ending loneliness, people who have no interest in learning about me and see no problems hurting me (but if I do something, it's used against me forever), people who use me, people who ignore me and so much past torment, torture and pain that all I feel is complete misery every day. I turned 30 today. . .and wonder why I didn't eat it years ago. I turned 30 today. . .and am too much of a coward to do what I really want to do. I turned 30 today. . .and can no longer hide inside a bottle, as it's been 24 days since my last drink and am working on sobriety for the 10th time. Don't tell me about my heart. I truly have given up the will to live. Please someone end it all for me so I can fade into the oblivion I know is destined for me. 12 Comments

I need some help with my 5th script. Jan 4, 2009 12:21 am Mood: artistic, 2970 Views Now that my fourth screenplay, "One Of A Million," is complete, I'm beginning on my next one, a romantic piece about a man who finds is soul in Seoul. This one might actually be sold here in Korea, since I'm putting its location in Seoul. It's called "Finding Seoul," and I'm looking forward to writing it. I'm going to try to use it as a showcase for Seoul and Korea for the entire world, so I'm hoping there are places here in Korea I can market this when it is done! Wish me luck! I feel 2009 will be my year! 4 Comments

Hello. . .my name is Aram: And I'm an alcoholic Dec 29, 2008 7:15 pm 2829 Views I didn't realize it until Saturday, but I know now that I am a complete alcoholic that needs help. Saturday night, I did something I never thought I'd do again. I went out just to get hammered. I went to a bar in Bundang and, in the span of two hours, drank almost two bottles of Stoli vodka. 1.5 litres of vodka. I don't know much after 1:30, since that's the last time I checked my cell phone. I remember some black guy telling me he was trying to help me, I remember feeling very cold like I was outside and I remember feeling hard cold on my legs and chest, like I was lying down on something cold. I realize I have no control when I drink, and when I start, I drink to excess. I have gotten drunk more here in Korea than anyplace else, and when I do, it gets worse and worse. I don't feel cravings like I need to drink. But when I start, I can't stop until I pass out. I don't know what I'm running from and I don't know why I'm running into a bottle for comfort. . .but I have a good idea. And it is all my fault. If you've read my past blogs, you'd understand. I started drinking at 14 years old, when my doctor told me I could never play baseball again. As meaningless as that sounds, it's what I had that gave me satisfaction. I was damn good and it gave me the unaccepted praise I had longed for. I lived under the weight of expectations that I could never meet from people I could never please. I felt, and still feel, that people could only love me if I was perfect, and I fell down too many times to accept pure love. After being told that, I sunk into my music, namely songwriting: Writing about isolation, drug addiction, lose love, lost causes, insanity and the feeling of hopeless rejection. I poured myself into my music. I have been told how great my work is and how amazing it is, but I don't believe people who say that. It's just more of the same. Over the past 16 years, I've spent 12 of them drunk off and on. The four sober years was in a relationship I thought would save me. It didn't. It was stolen from me. She abandoned me after I showed her complete devotion, telling me that I was "worthless" and "no woman would love me again because I'm not worth a woman's time." I spent two years inside a bottle over that and only crawled out when I became a teacher, finding new love and purpose in a classroom. I am an alcoholic, as painful as it is for me to say that. I don't know if support groups or indifferent doctors can help me, as I've tried all that with an open mind and I relapsed countless times. I feel isolated, alone and without direction right now. I have made zero friends here in Korea: not among Koreans because I can't speak the language and not among English speakers because of backstabbing of me on their part when I first got here and the lack of trust that backstabbing developed. In my time in Korea, I've written over 50 more songs and just finished my newest screenplay. I wish I knew how to find representation. I am Aram. . .and I am an alcoholic. 2 Comments

Reflections on the old year; thinking about the new year Dec 28, 2008 6:11 am 2817 Views 2008 was mixed bag for me. My father and I had an intense falling out near the end of 2007 and I haven't spoken to him since. As the time passes, I feel less and less inclined to speak to him and truly would have nothing to say if I did. It would be a cold, unemotional, uneasy conversation that I would look to end as quickly as it began. I gave up a $75000 dollar a year job because I wasn't happy with it (even though I was good at it) to come to a new country that seems to resent, despise and abhor anything or anyone not from their country. I'm learning to adjust to the stares, the pointing, the poking and the laughing at me. . .but it's still annoying and it still gets me very angry. I watched my country rise from the pits of crap and accept a black man as President-elect, a man I donated to and worked to get elected. For the first time in a long time, there is a feeling of optimism in the United States with Barack Obama's election. I am very happy for this. Hopefully, he can heal the country from the bowels of sewage pResident bush caused (the typos are intentional). My Bills still suck, my Sabres had a nightmare season after losing Daniel Biere and Chris Drury and my Mets snatched defeat from the jaws of victory yet again! On a good note, my college, Arizona, won its first bowl game with a convincing 31-21 win over BYU in the Las Vegas Bowl. . .our first bowl game since 1999. Maybe Mike Stoops can build us back into a winner after John Mackovic' screw ups. I am still single, and will likely remain so for the distant future, as I have no prospects and no real ways to gain them. 2009 is the year I turn 30. I made a mistake on the setting up of my account and hit an "8" when I should have hit a "9" and didn't notice it until it was too late. Here are some predictions and things plan on doing: 1) Obama will have no honeymoon from the Republicans. They will do to him what they did to Clinton, only there will be a tinge of racism in it, which they will deny. 2) Al Franken will re-take Paul Wellstone's seat from that idiot Norm Colemen. I also believe that there will a host of investigations into Republican members of Congress and the bush mis-administration. 3) The Mets will finally overcome this hurdle and win the NL East. 4) Arizona will win 10 games, lose to USC and get a better bowl bid. I see them in the top 25 as well. 5) I will finish writing my fourth and fifth movie. I'm almost done with my fourth. I haven't decided my fifth yet. 6) If I do not have a professorship here in Korea, I may move to Thailand or Malaysia. 7) I will go to Germany. I write my 300th song 9) I will get to my goal weight of 100 KGs (currently I'm at 114) and I will get down to a 100 waist (currently 109) 2 Comments

 TheFuturePhD

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