Marry What YOU Need,... Not Just What ~Looks Good~, Hmm? Apr 24, 2008 10:56 am Mood: content, 870 Views I am prompted to write this based on recent postings for 'big butts'. One of KFFer's really 'good contributors' said that his minimum standards for a woman included certain physical endowments (Psst!: big butt...lol) and abilities. Yet, I would not criticize him for the world.... to each his/her own. I can understand his principles, and that only he can state what it is HE wants. Yet, I don't even know that he is thinking of marriage nor what role his wife would play IF he married. But, if one is planning on marriage, one must select the woman to fit real needs in marriage, whatever they are in the life of a given man. Let me give an example in hope of making my point clear: If you are wealthy and live in Germany near the Autobahn, a Ferrari may be a very practical car to own. The thought of blasting down the 'Bahn at 170 mph really sounds like fun, doesn't it? Especially if you can afford a Ferrari and its maintenance requirements. Next, let us imagine a Nebraska crop farmer. He needs a vehicle for 'ka-chugging' to town to pick up cow feed or tractor parts, or driving around the pasture to check the fences. A Ferrari wouldn't be much good to him. He probably will buy a good used eight or ten year old Ford or Chevrolet 1/2 ton pickup truck, something that he wouldn't care if it gets dents and scratches. Not every young man -- nor old one for that matter -- understands the same concept applies to wives as well, if he wishes to stay married. And, the real problem is plenty men there are who confuse what they WANT with what they NEED. What they want,--if they get it--, can make for a great honeymoon -- and sometimes not even that. When I talk to divorced men in my circle of friends, from time to time there would be a man or two who would tell sad tales of woe. I would then discover he had wanted, and obtained, a wife with a gorgeous face, a great chest, a nice 'astray', and a tight pun... and not much else. Then, when his marriage went to Hell..., it was a total surprise to him. And, two or three years later, the same man would be back to converse yet again. He had picked another woman, with gorgeous face, great chest, ...and his second marriage was already toast. He would be furious. I'd try to tell him, "Maybe you had better stop 'looking for a gorgeous face and a great chest'." He would say, shocked to his core, "Nope! I gotta' have a good looking wife." And, went charging off looking for another 10. Of course, that wouldn't happen today, because financially guys like these aren't left with enough to live on, not to mention finding another wife. I've come up with a name for guys like this, a caring, compassionate name: I call them 'Dumb F**ks'! So, what is the problem? Tens, or even nines, are from the day they are born, ...'attention whores': "Oh, isn't that little girl so pretty! Here, have a lollipop, little girl." They learn at a very young age to take things for granted. If you deny them their entitlements for such attention, they will be the first to bemoan their victimization well into adulthood. And, it doesn't stop when she grows up. So, most of them become ~addicted to attention~. And, alas for the poor devil who marries one, IT MUST STOP WHEN THEY MARRY. WHEN they finally marry, that's great for the honeymoon, but after that, things mellow out. Suddenly, being taken out to fancy restaurants,perhaps weekend trips to luxury resorts, changing to the everyday realities of marriage is nearly an impossible transition. She is expected to clean house; wash clothes; cook once in a while. ~~~~>This marriage is doomed.<~~~~ Of course, there are exceptions.(smile) IF she marries a CEO of a large company, there may be plenty of golf dates, and business banquets. Even there, as you well know, she may be boinking the pool boy to get back the excitement of her life before marriage.*Sad* That is why one must know what HE needs from a wife....and NOT what he wants... But, for the most part, when a man says, "I gotta' have..." to me his fate is sealed, and at his own hand. It is apparent he has confused what he wants with what he needs, and what he wants... is not conducive to avoiding divorce. If your marriage is going to be a typical one, you probably need a wife who can and will perform... domestic chores,... even if you help her. In that case, you need a 'domestic woman', that is, one who really doesn't mind cleaning, scrubbing, washing, folding, and ironing clothes. One who ENJOYS making and/or serving a nice meal two or three times a day. As simply as I can put it, if you need a domestic wife, you had darned well better marry a PROVEN domestic woman. Not a ten. Not a world class intellectual. TRUST...but verify. There are men who may in fact need such women. Good for them, as men alone must decide what their OWN needs are. ********* Ahem! Let me introduce the rural Mexican women. Most of them are trained from a very young age to wash dishes, cook, clean, scrub, and wash clothes, often by hand. They are trained this way because in their circumstances, and they expect their life will be domestic. They learn domestic skills like the city girls learn to wait for the walk light before crossing Amsterdam Avenue... It's pretty much engrained. Of the 40 or so Mexican women living near me in my neighborhood, 3 of them seem to be batsh*t crazy, and totally insane ankles! However, virtually all the other 37 cook, clean, scrub, mend, and their husbands either get... err...layed two or three times a week, or sadly enough, they seem to know he will get it on the street.*smh* So, therefore there is the general tendency that he gets it at home instead. Mexican women KNOW that "The clean-up woman" in Mexican culture is a brutal operator indeed! Even if a man screws up and marrys the 3 instead of the 37, there is a good chance, assuming he keeps them in a rural environment, that his chosen wife will do her household chores, though some better than others. Is there a dichotomy here? Am I saying all city girls are not domestic? No, not at all. I am saying there is a greater chance in the city that the family has a servant girl to do some of the crud, thus there is a greater chance a city girl was not raised as strictly with domestic training as part of her life expectation. If she is attractive, she may *expect* to marry enough money that she would have household servants. In all cases, it is necessary to know what YOU are doing, and to be clear and honest about what YOU, in your circumstance, really need, not just what YOU want. so what will it be guys? Hot Rod Sally? or... CHOOSE WISELY. Trust...but verify. Much Love and Respect, Noni 3 Comments

Addictive Codependency... However Well Intentioned. Mar 24, 2008 3:04 pm Mood: melancholy, 773 Views However well intentioned many people are, by focusing on others, they are never free to improve on themselves. Blaming others for the unhappiness in our own lives seems to have become the norm despite the rule where ever we go in this world. It is the codependency of many a relationship that allows many of us to lives either as martyrs, heroes or victims of our own circumstances. The codependent and behavioral aspects of many in the beliefs we hold dictate that if the unfaithfulness, promiscuity, overeating, drinking, gambling, etc., stopped, ...then life itself would be wonderful is just a bit much to actually expect, hmm? It does not stop. It does not stop because the codependency that is on display is an illness and a condition that needs identification and treatment. So many are in denial to this very fact. Just as the alcoholic has a dependency on the compulsive attachment to his or her drug, so do people in codependent relationships: A 'drug' is being used that makes the a bit more than what they really want others to perceive or understand about who and what they really are. Even so, here often seem to be adults here in search of 'self love' in others. A response to such a person is always codependent in nature. For example, relationships here, as adults, are often ‘re-created' in the form of parental relationships, and there is always the tendency to, therefore, choose our allegiances, etc. quite poorly. Choosing excitement, chaos and pain is therefore, BETTER FOR US, because that is all we know. It is what we have learned. It is something that we do over and repeatedly again as victims of our own circumstances. As codependent people, there is a frequency of interaction and attraction to those people surrounding situations and us even, where we perceive ourselves as the rescuer of someone we 'assume' needs our help. Yet, our relationships often are predicated on the need for getting: getting self-worth, getting sexual release, getting some sense of security...sigh... Because there is so much of a focus on others, there is usually the strong tendency on our part to ~rationalize~ our own self-centeredness in search for ‘acceptance’. Why is it that so many here hold on to a dependence on outside things? Work, a ‘good’ spouse, position, title, neighborhood, social contracts and constraints, as a way to define what it is they are as a person? Why is it that the obvious things of conflict are usually in terms of what was lost? “If I lose out on this ‘good thing’, then who the hell am I?” **Why is it that when we get older, the investment is always in terms of those outward appearances, to the exclusion of investigating, questioning and looking inward to the relationship in terms of ourselves? -- Years latter, looking back, one can see the identity crisis of sorts and how much of a self-worth usually places itself within the context of the external. ~~> Outside of work and family, why are people so lost and confused about who they really are?<~~~~Why it that whatever emotional investigations or resolutions haven’t taken place is, usually seems to catch up only when there is an overwhelming free-floating anxiety at play? Too many people are displaying this very fact. Looking at the posts of many here, I can honestly say that many here are suffering from a delay in their own identity development, possibly brought on by the mistaken belief that if they did all the things 'the social script' told them to do, they were ultimately going to be happy, secure, and hold a good feeling about themselves. In that external context, anyone can be unconscious of the fact that they have not actually investigated for themselves very much of life, and as such, really do not know who THEY are. Much of the adult world depends on people’s ability to be comfortable with themselves, where they come from, the experiences they have had, and recognition of what their strengths and weaknesses are. The codependent aspect of all of this is that there is an emotional, psycho-logical, and behavioral pattern of coping with our experiences. That pattern is brought about solely by the practice of and prolonged exposure to dysfunctional roles. Hmm... “Do not talk about your feelings”, “Do not talk about your problems”, “Do not let others in” , “Do not ask others for help”, “Try to avoid conflict and maintain the status quo”, “Try to build acceptance based on, not being who we are versus,… being ourselves”. Those who believe that doing the right thing brings love, acceptance, salvation, and happiness are at best deceiving themselves. The pursuit of the right things in the realm of a codependent is manipulation. The reverse of logic would be a healthier, clearer, identity-based logic: “I do this because love is already in me, and with that love in place I can intuitively sense, know, and understand…” Err... Much Love and Respect, Noni 4 Comments

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