Confusionisms Jul 29, 2005 3:13 pm Mood: amused, 1317 Views Confucius say Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. Confucius say A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. Confucius say Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets. Confucius say Blowing into a blonde's ear is called Data Transfer. Confucius say A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked. Confucius say Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 0 Comments

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY Jul 24, 2005 7:34 pm Mood: amused, 1499 Views Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me ... maybe a new suit! As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch, we didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom." "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday! And I just sat there...on the couch...naked. 3 Comments

One liners Jul 24, 2005 6:00 am 1504 Views Got this from my aunt I think I'm having amnesia and deja vu too. I'm sure I have forgotten all this before. Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out. Shoot for the moon....even if you miss, you will land among the stars. Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need. If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall. I don't eat snails....I prefer FAST FOOD. 3 Comments

Find A Guy Jul 19, 2005 11:38 am 1865 Views This was posted at another site I belong to. Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her." He has to be out there somewhere, right? 7 Comments

If it is good for the gander.... Jul 16, 2005 2:56 pm Mood: adventurous, 1517 Views No, I'm not going to talk about geese. But we have all heard the phrase "What's good for the goose is good for the gander". Now for those of you may be goose ignorant, gander is the male. Well,this little phrase has taken some changes over the years, but the sentiment is the same; what is good for one is good for the other. To that end... I have taken to being brave and speaking my mind from time to time. What am I saying? Well... I recently saw a man who made my little hormones race....lust children lust. Now he was tall and VERY muscular. I just wanted to climb him like a jungle gym and play monkey. Well, I asked him, "May I make a personal observation?" "Sure" I made sure he saw my eyes run up and down his body and said "Nice, very nice". He actually blushed! and thanked me. Yesterday I saw another man that made my hormones race. Not as tall or as muscular, but still very nice. He was on the phone and I waited until he was done. "May I say something?" "sure" "Very nice" and he said thanks and started to tell me about his phone. "Not the phone, you" He blushed as well. I have also told a few men here at KFF that they make my hormones race (not in those words mind you).It seems men are not use to be complimented by women or how to react. Now if you men can hoot, holler and wolf whistle, and show other ways of letting a woman know she turns you on, why can't we women do the same? (here's that gander and goose thing). And when done politely why are you so embarrassed? You think you men are the only ones who can appreciate a beautiful body? Well Ladies, I for one am not going to stop telling a man he is beautiful. Nothing may ever come of it, but atleast I have acknowledged 2 things...another human being, and my own lustful feelings. And he leaves feeling a bit better. 2 Comments

"Hey! Play with your own toys!!" Rhue to Smitty Jul 12, 2005 3:22 pm Mood: amused, 1477 Views I think my "kids" have a Species Identity Crisis. OKay, let's start with Rhue's new toy. It one of those plush squeeky squirrel things and she picked it out all by herself. Well the Twins like playing with the squirrel thing too, and I have found Smitty chewing on Rhue's rawhides. But I guess all is fair, because Rhue will play with the catnip mousies. When Smitty is chewing on Rhue's rawhide, she lays nearby with this look on her face as if to say, "Hey, that's mine!" but she won't take it away or make him move away from it. So do my cats think they are dogs? Or do they even care? 3 Comments

Are Flies Smart? Jun 17, 2005 10:30 pm 1871 Views Now all creatures great and small have a purpose in life. Flies too, tho I can't see what is other than to be annoying. Which brings me to the purpose of this particular blog. I have developed a fly problem (and ants, but that's another story). The flies seem to like hanging out in the bathroom, so I hung one of those fly sticky things in there. A week later and not one single fly is stuck on it!! My electric bill runs over $100 a month (major ouch), but I took a chance last night and jacked the AC down to 60 in hopes of making the flies sluggish so I could smack 'em!! Guess what? I'm freezing, the cats are huddled together for warmth and Rhue wanted to go outside where it is warmer.....but not a single fly could I find!! Seriously!! They disappeared!! Okay, I jacked the temp back up to 80. Lo and behold...the flies reappeared!! I am at a loss...the flies seem to be smarter than me. But I won't give up the fight! I will find a way! 5 Comments

What Is It With You Men? Jun 16, 2005 3:15 pm Mood: annoyed, 1950 Views Recently a guy I was interested in made contact again after almost 2 years. Now 2 years ago he said he loved and let's get married. Then all of a sudden he had heart problems and needed time to think. I then discovered he was still trolling (looking for a woman). I got mad and yelled at him and then left him alone. I made polite conversation, willing to give him another chance (does that make me gulliable and/or stupid?). I asked how his daughter is. He tells me she is now 14 yrs old. Okay, I tell him, that tell her age not how she is doing. He tells me she is now in middle school. Again, doesn't answer my question. I gave it up.... Well, today I was in the grocery store and saw a neighbor who has a Skipperki (spelled wrong I know) named Casey....friendly little dog. I asked how the dog was doing (hadn't seen her in a few days) and he says he's just reading a magazine. (I could see it in his hands) What is it with you guys? Is there some genetic reason you do not hear or can not answer the simplest of questions? Too much testosterone in the ears perhaps? Ear wax build up? Well, whatever the problem is,it is annoying. How hard is it to answer...how is/are....???? It is not a difficult question and can be answered with just one or 2 words. Sorry guys...I know not all of you are like this...but 2 in 2 days was just too much. Now the 1st guy may have a valid excuse....English is not his native tongue. Just please listen more carefully, okay? Tahnks 10 Comments

Wrong Cat in Trouble Jun 10, 2005 1:52 pm Mood: good, 1704 Views Before the arrival of the twins Smith and Wesson, Goofy would pull open a cabinet door and let it shut to get my attention. Annoying, but effective. Not sure why he needed my attention. Let's remember he is brain damaged, and even he may not know why. Anyway, I would try calling him to me and then yelling at him to stop before making a physical appearance. When I do he is happy to me. I think that maybe he got lost, again, and figured out that by banging the doors he would get my attention and be found. Yes he gets lost, even in the middle of living room. Well, since moving to Vegas there has been cabinet banging going on, and I've been yelling at Goofy to stop it (downstairs neighbors ya know). The banging didn't stop, so I went to investigate and found Wesson hanging onto the top of the cabinet door. My apologies to Goofy. Not sure what the fascination is with the inside of a cabinet is, but Wesson was bound and determined to open it and get in. So now I leave one door open. Okay, I've taken away 1/2 his fun, but it is annoying. Just about an hour ago I opened a can of food left over from Schnitzel as a treat. About 20 minutes ago I heard noises in the kitchen and knowing that Goofy, Smith and Wesson were in the kitchen I assumed they were into the trash looking for that can. Wrong. Wesson had opened the cabinet where I keep the Tupperware type stuff and was nosing about. The amazing thing is he had managed to open it without banging it! Now someone said something somewhere that cats are not loyal. I say what I always say to comments like that, and comments like "oo ferrets..aren't they mean and bite?" it all depends on how you treat your pet, any pet, and on the individual personality of that pet. Give them love and attention and you get it back. Goofy being brain damaged is an execption to just about every rule on cats. Punki, aka Miss Prissy Boots, is for the most part aloof, but there are times when she wants a Mommy Fix...that's when she spends about 5 minutes playing Pet Me Tag and then flopping against me, putting her nose in my armpit and making those pawgasms. I pet her and tell her what a sweet girl she is, and she is so happy, sometimes she falls asleep. Wesson also does similar, but on a special blanket on the bed. Smitty does his thing where he can, but we have agreed that Mommy's skin is NOT the best place. The boys are very picky about who touches them. To date, the twins have not let anyone else pet them. Goofy has let only 2 others pet him ( a side note here, Goofy NEVER let my ex hubby pet him). Punki has let one other person pet her, and she just loved nosing about in that person's hair (could be the shampoo or hair gel she likes). Now is this loyalty? Could be. My cats do give me attention even when they don't want anything. The twins will sometimes lay on my feet when I am at the computer. And it is not un-usual to find the boys and Rhue on the bed with me while I sleep. All in all I have a happy and harmonious home. 1 comment

Quantas Airlines, Pilots and Mechanics Jun 9, 2005 11:28 am Mood: amused, 1752 Views After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy! P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget 3 Comments

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