considering... Oct 26, 2008 11:12 pm 1891 Views i have had good days and bad days. saying goodbye to someone who can't even think straight or get his life together...it hurts. it should be so easy because his life isn't what it should be, but its saddening. all the promises made. its sad. i miss him. but then i try to remember his anger, his moodiness, his distant self...then i remember it isn't so nice. i don't miss him as much. he wants me to be happy. he wants me to move on. i just need to stop caring...then i can be happy without him. its sad. i'm sad. he is miserable and he didn't want me to be miserable anymore with him. i should consider this as a blessing in disguise because he can't be that person for me. i don't think he'll ever be that person i feel in love with. 2 Comments

no more... Oct 20, 2008 10:55 am 2464 Views i finally said my goodbyes to him. i want nothing to do with him. he's been so mean and so selfish when i've been so patient, supporting, and understanding. i do not have him in my heart anymore. he can't even take care of himself and i'm sick of trying to be there for him... his mom will survive for she is strong and a fighter. if not, she'll no longer be in pain. i just don't think he'll be the same. he isn't the same man i fell in love with. goodbye my BF...jal mok koh, jal sah rah... 7 Comments

no hair... Oct 18, 2008 6:20 pm 2060 Views i chopped it all off. i have been meaning to chop it off for a while but since BF loved my long hair, i felt that it was time. since he and i are not together anymore, he doesn't have input in his preferences to impact my decision making. so it's short now. no more long, flowy hair. it's at my shoulders but with layers. it looks nice but tmw i'm going to punk it up... needed to get rid of things weighing me down...my hair...it's a start. 5 Comments

miss you... Oct 13, 2008 10:48 pm 1886 Views i found the perfect card to send him... _________________________________________________ When I can't see you, talk with you, hug you, walk with you, laugh with you, smile at you, and share with you... (you open the card) I miss you. ____________________________________________________________ this pretty much sums up everything that i feel. of course i will add my own words and thoughts...but the card pretty much reflects what is in my heart. 3 Comments

tears... Oct 12, 2008 10:01 am 1992 Views tears run down my face knowing that i can't relieve his pain. tears run down my face knowing that i can't relieve his stress. tears run down my face knowing the unknown about his mom. tears run down my face knowing that i can't help him. 4 Comments

"Give All to Love" Oct 9, 2008 10:48 am 1955 Views Ralph Waldo Emerson Give All to Love Give all to love; Obey thy heart; Friends, kindred, days, Estate, good-fame, Plans, credit, and the Muse,— Nothing refuse. 'Tis a brave master; Let it have scope: Follow it utterly, Hope beyond hope: High and more high It dives into noon, With wing unspent, Untold intent; But it is a God, Knows its own path And the outlets of the sky. It was never for the mean; It requireth courage stout. Souls above doubt, Valor unbending, It will reward,— They shall return More than they were, And ever ascending. Leave all for love; Yet, hear me, yet, One word more thy heart behoved, One pulse more of firm endeavor,— Keep thee to-day, To-morrow, forever, Free as an Arab Of thy beloved. Cling with life to the maid; But when the surprise, First vague shadow of surmise Flits across her bosom young, Of a joy apart from thee, Free be she, fancy-free; Nor thou detain her vesture's hem, Nor the palest rose she flung From her summer diadem. Though thou loved her as thyself, As a self of purer clay, Though her parting dims the day, Stealing grace from all alive; Heartily know, When half-gods go, The gods survive. 1 comment

What is Love? Oct 7, 2008 12:32 am 2187 Views I had it, it's just displaced. He just needs to find himself and be there for his mom. _______________________________________________________________ 25 Fascinating Love Facts By Laura Schaefer Love is mysterious, fascinating, and when you find it with the right person, there's nothing better. Here are 25 surprising love facts to puzzle over and embrace. Love is a many-splendored thing … and a very surprising thing, too. As if you needed proof of that, here are 25 funny little facts about love. Study them, scratch your head over them, and share them with someone you fancy. 1. Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don't. 2. People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left (65 percent of people go to the right!) 3. When it comes to doing the deed early in the relationship, 78 percent of women would decline an intimate rendezvous if they had not shaved their legs or underarms. 4. Feminist women are more likely than other females to be in a romantic relationship. 5. Two-thirds of people report that they fall in love with someone they've known for some time vs. someone that they just met. 6. There's a reason why office romances occur: The single biggest predictor of love is proximity. 7. Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover's memory. 8. Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses — pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate. 9. Brain scans show that people who view photos of a beloved experience an activation of the caudate — the part of the brain involving cravings. 10. The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth. 11. The "Love Detector" service from Korean cell phone operator KTF uses technology that is supposed to analyze voice patterns to see if a lover is speaking honestly and with affection. Users later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker. 12. Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men. 13. Couples' personalities converge over time to make partners more and more similar. 14. The oldest known love song was written 4,000 years ago and comes from an area between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. 15. The tradition of the diamond engagement ring comes from Archduke Maximillian of Austria who, in the 15th century, gave a diamond ring to his fiancée, Mary of Burgundy. 16. Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign "love" to a card unless they are ready for commitment. 17. People who are newly in love produce decreased levels of the hormone serotonin — as low as levels seen in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Perhaps that's why it's so easy to feel obsessed when you're smitten. 18. Philadelphia International Airport finished as the No. 1 best airport for making a love connection, according to an online survey. 19. According to mathematical theory, we should date a dozen people before choosing a long-term partner; that provides the best chance that you'll make a love match. 20. A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex. 21. Every Valentine's Day, Verona, the Italian city where Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet took place, receives around 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet. 21. When we get dumped, for a period of time we love the person who rejected us even more, says Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. The brain regions that lit up when we were in a happy union continue to be active. 22. People telling the story of how they fell in love overwhelmingly believe the process is out of their control. 23. Familiarity breeds comfort and closeness … and romance. 24. One in five long-term love relationships began with one or both partners being involved with others. 25. OK, this one may not surprise you, but we had to share it: Having a romantic relationship makes both genders happier. The stronger the commitment, the greater the happiness! Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor. 4 Comments

haunting... Oct 1, 2008 10:18 pm 2037 Views even when i was at BF's house (now ex BF), i couldn't sleep. i saw images in my sleep. i do believe in spirits. good ones and bad ones. i know that ex-BF's mom is not doing well, but i've been having dreams in which she visits me. it's freaky now bc i am dreaming that she is slowly dying and she dies. they bury her but then she tries to crawl out. she just tapped me on the shoulder before. but then when she tries to crawl out she is coming towards me. i don't know what that means. i have been having these dreams/nightmares the past two days. i've prayed for it to stop. i've prayed for her recovery and remission. but it haunts me. ex-BF told me that there is a ghost in his room, so i freaked out when i was sleeping in his room when i was there. i think maybe that is the ghost that transcended into my brain. i think that is the spirit that brings about the bad emotions and illness in his family. maybe that is, maybe it's not. but all i know that i have not slept the 11 days i was there. since i've been back from the 15th, i have not slept more than 4 hours a night. the last two days, it's been 2-4 hours. i really don't know what to do...with or without him, i haven't slept. i haven't slept well since she had her surgery. i don't know what to make of it. even though i say that i don't have the "obligation" anymore, i still love him. i still care about his mom's health. i wish at times my heart was cold. just turn it on or off as i wish. i think it's still bleeding...it's been bleeding since this illness of hers has taken over everyone's life. i am afraid to sleep now. 7 Comments

rumors are true... Sep 30, 2008 3:32 pm 2610 Views yes, the rumors are true. my BF and i have gone our separate ways. before people come to judgement on why we split up let me tell you why we did. i love him and he loves me. but we are not at the same place anymore. coming back from his place, i really didn't want the relationship anymore. his mom is dying of cancer, undergoing chemotherapy and radiation...how could i walk away from that without looking like a biatch from hell. i was very tired. emotionally drained. not appreciated. this is all before marriage. before engagement. it was too much. he didn't give me the attention i deserved when i was there either. but i couldn't break it off. so...he finally realized that he couldn't do this to me. he was too drained from his own work and family problems that he didn't have anything else to give me. while i neglected my own sanity, my own strength, my own energy, i did everything possible to make him and his family life better when i was there. i should not have gone. i started resenting him and his family for taking advantage of my love and goodwill. he broke it off but i am glad bc i couldn't do it. i was hoping to hear that she would be in full recovery and on her way to full remission. hoping that he would change to the man i fell in love with. hoping to get back the love we once had...if he didn't turn back to himself again when his mom recovered, i wamted to break it off then. they say that family stress and tragedy is when you see the true colors of a person. i have been walking on egg shells for the past two months with him. i didn't want to have this type of relationship. i've thought of breaking up when i was there...but how could i? everything and anything that could have gone wrong with a family structure happened while i was there. i was there to be everyone's punching bag. i cooked, i cleaned, i did dishes, i laundered their clothes, i raked, i swept their driveway, i folded their laundry, cleaned their kitchen, went to the grocery store with them...all i could do is sit there and talk everyone's yelling at each other. and them apologizing to me for their frustrations. but yet everything i did wasn't enough. i gave it my all for eleven days. i couldn't take it anymore. it would have been bearable if he was more supportive too but he wasn't. he took out his frustrations on me or would just shut down. i could not be in a destructive relationship. so yes, BF and i are no longer but i could not take the abuse anymore from him and his family. not a day went by that his grandmother didn't yell at me...correction, one day there was peace and quiet. but that was because she stayed at her apartment. i couldn't stand the constant yelling from everyone in the house. i do love him but i wanted to keep my sanity and the love we once shared. it's too much for one person to handle. it would have been different if he and i were married...maybe i could have handled it better. BF reminded me too much of my father during this time too. a man emotionally unavailable, pissed off at the littlest things, would burst into a rage unexplained. and if you thought it was just him, it was all his siblings, his parents, and his grandmother. they all had personalities like typhoons and volcanoes. so...tell me all the women out there...as an outsider wanting to come into a new family structure...could you tolerate this? i am deeply sad for our relationship being over because we did truly love one another. but these last two months have been complete torture for me. so i am mad that they didn't appreciate me, pissed off that we don't have the same love we had before, but relieved that this burden will no longer be mine. maybe if his mom is in remission, things will settle down. or even worse, she doesn't make it, they can finally mourn and come together as a family (i am praying for remission). maybe when the economy gets a little better, he'll feel more financially secure. but...if those things do not happen, we will not have a future. i will not be able to take his volcanic episodes. so i am completely walking away from it. if it is meant to be, our paths will cross again and he'll beg for me to be in his life again. but i am not holding my breath. too much for me. 32 Comments

lost... Sep 28, 2008 8:22 pm 1601 Views i feel so lost. after coming back from my trip to the east coast, i feel overwhelmed. i feel that my tragedy from 2003, losing my cousin and my grandfather the same year, it's playing in my head over and over again. now it's playing over and over for BF and his family...in my head. i feel defenseless about not being able to be there for BF's mom. i am trying to keep hope alive when BF expects the worst. not only that, returning to the car today from church service with my mom, i ran into a guy i once dated. i think that is why i feel lost. why is it that an encounter with a guy that was overwhelmingly attentive, always demeaning, rude to everyone, and was so selfish...how could that alter my mood so much. his parents thought i didn't have enough education to meet with their "educated backgrounds." on top of that, my parents loved him just because he was a lawyer. he had no personality and he was fat. i didn't like him...but he loved me, well so he claimed. when i saw him, he didn't change much, he is still unsure of himself (he couldn't look at me in the eyes today) and fat. i'm sure he still doesn't have a personality or develop a better one. why am i in a foul mood because of him? i ended it. but why does he still bother me? i never liked him...but i've been in a foul mood eversince. it's everything. my parents being demanding, school, work, my future life with BF. i am struggling to balance work and school. i've neglected my friends because i'm just so exhausted from everything. then to constantly worry about my BF's well-being and his mom's well-being. then to take care of things within my own family life...it's overwhelming. i'm sorry i am rambling but struggling to keep my sanity among everything that i worry about and among everything i care about. 2 Comments

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