What is heat? What is passion? Is it warmth from the fire? Is it the first tingle down your spine when that initial touch is made?
The passion that grows inside oneself is very desirable. Seeking desire from another person is even more desirable. Passion for another person is HEAT. That first warmth. The first touch. The first kiss. The first time you have sex with that person. That burning desire.
Passion and sex are two completely different things but are intertwined. You can have sex without passion. It is still good. But sex with passion...it's mind blowing.
Being connected with someone, with soul, body, and mind...that is the ultimate passion. Then with that passion you share the most sacred act one can share with one another, that is the ultimate HEAT.
I've been lucky enough to have connections with people (both guys and girls). And please. Don't think of lesbianism. I've been lucky to have friends in my life to bring things back into perspective when my thoughts and ideas are far beyond my reach. It's through these friendships, one's connection with the opposite sex it's the potential for HEAT.
Now with a new career path, I feel like I'm unstoppable. But then I don't know how or when to slow down. Carrying five classes this quarter, it's a full load in itself, but I am working 25-30 hours a week too. I think this morning was the first time I felt overwhelmed and over stressed with all my responsibilities. But after the initial confusion, I think I can conquer the rest of the day. Is my own passion dying because of the stress?
My best friend from junior high and my college best friend both know how much passion I have for life. I was so involved in showing passion and compassion for others, I denied myself of happiness. Both believe that I will continue with my passion for life until the day I die. They picture me in my deathbed old and gray, but never frail or weak. I don't give up without a fight. I give my body, soul, and mind in everything I do.
Things are going well for me so far. Sixteen days into the new year. I'm overwhelmed but I'm okay. I think I just need to have a few outtings with the girls and meet more people to broaden my outlook on life. This will help me de-stress, regain my energy, and then conquer the things set before me.
BUT...the thing that lingers in the back of my mind...Will I be able to find that HEAT again?
Just as the 2007 year has passed. I still feel the void in my heart of losing my dear cousin and my loving grandfather in 2003. I am posting accounts and doing inventory today at work and the radio played that Blaine Larsen "How Do you Get That Lonely." It still makes me tear up to think my cousin was that lonely and depressed that he had to take his own life.
The sad part about is, I spent time with him the Thursday night before it happened. September 9, 2003 I lost my cousin whom I dearly loved. And then a little over four months later, I lost my grandfather on NYE that year.
It was the year many significant events happened...my 2003. I began to take care of my aunt who was going through chemotherapy in January. My college best friend got married in May. My sister fullfilled my grandfather's last wish and got married in August. My cousin committed suicide in September. Later September my grandfather suffered a stroke and was in and out of hospitals, rehab centers, and convalescent hospitals. I turned 30 in November. Then on the last day of 2003, my grandfather passed on. I can honestly say that I had a full year that year...2003. So bittersweet.
It took me two years to finally be back to myself. During those two years, I didn't date...I hated everyone, I hated my family to burden me with all the responsibilities, and I hated men for wanting nothing but their physical needs met. Why did they have to be selfish? Couldn't they just be there and listen?
Then I ventured out...started to date in 2006. Was horrible at it. Still was horrible at it in 2007.
2008. It's the 13th day of the year. So far? Swamped with reading articles, journals, textbooks, and paperback books.
Some things are looking up but I'm still confused. Only time can tell if I have time for everything I desire in my heart and my life. Taking one day at a time. Going to enjoy every minute I have. Going to take in the sites and travel more in between my school sessions. Maybe go on weekend trips.
I do not want to live life regretting. I want to keep on with life and never look back. I have not regretted anything so far. Even the people I didn't meet last year. It's the past. It's history.
So far...13 days into the new year. It's been fun! I plan to have more fun, have more adventures, have more friends - both guys and girls, have more experience at EVERYTHING , have more knowledge as I read these books assigned to me, have more soul depth, have more softness of heart, have more...of me!
I went to the Los Angeles City Council meeting today and I walked into a presentation where all the Korean American representatives were there. I guess it was a good day to go for one of my papers for my government class.
They declared that January 13, 2008 is the start of the Korean American Day. I missed the beginning of the presentation but I was actually moved that there are so many participants and representatives of our community doing great work.
I hope us Korean Americans continue to do great work in our community.
Most people know that I love nerds and dorks...but only if they are well-balanced nerds and dorks. Some of you know the ones I'm attracted to. Those that function in society without the pocket protectors, those that have social lives outside of their jobs, those that have had REAL (not fake or online) relationships in the past, those that contribute to society by their talents or community service, etc.
But I'm sitting in computer lab passing on the hour while I wait upon my class to start...for my Anthropolgy class to start at 4:20 (which I was told from one of my friends that 420 has a significant meaning to it). For those that know... I recently discovered the meaning to this and why mile markers disappear with that number. I stray from the path...
But I'm sitting across from a guy I'm afraid...close to maybe "self-servicing" himself. He isn't a typical guy that girls would give a second look to unless you looked again to make sure he wasn't walking towards you to "flash you" or something. He's giggling and typing and snickering across from me. Seriously my derm office would have a field day trying to fix his skin. Anyways. I am so amused at the fact the guy next to him is making funny faces as he glances occassionally over. It would be interesting in what he's actually doing. I'm sure he's chatting online to some woman (hopefully a woman) on some other website. It's amazing to just peer over my screen at this guy while he's so cross-eyed and kok-eyed (if i spell it the right way, KFF may delete this post). Do people only have social lives online?
Why am I even mentioning this? It reminds me of the song that Brad Paisley sings, "Online." It depicts Jason Alexander as the guy who works at a pizza parlour as their delivery boy. He lives at home and loves to have a profile online portraying himself as 6'5" model who lives in Beverly Hills. But he lives in Iowa?
Anyways...it reminds me how I depict myself online is the same as I am in real life. Yes. I am real. A woman who works 25-30 hours a week, a full time student, have a social life among my girlfriends, have a social life among the KFF girlfriends, and to have a boyfriend one day???? I am a woman that tries to balance everything. And yes...I am all I can be. A true friend, gal pal, student, a bean counter one day, worker, daughter, sister, etc. I have my good days and bad days just like everyone else.
YES...I am going off on a tangent. But what I am online is what you see in real life. You don't have to hesitate or doubt that I am not who I portray myself to be. And folks...I just want to make GREAT FRIENDS here...
Please don't take my generosity, kindness, or friendliness as a come on. I am a very social person and loves to socialize. If I have interest in you...don't worry. I will tell you flat out that I am interested. Don't read more into it otherwise.
I hope I have entertained you as some of you entertain me on chat.
I am constantly amazed on how people come and go in your life. I am thankful to gain some insight from a friend...
It's hard not to care for someone. I just have to keep busy in my school work and see if it may develop into something.
I don't want history to repeat itself. Hope to do things differently this time.
AND YES...I'M a COUNTRY NUT!!! I'm a cowgirl at heart. Have you seen me move? hee hee...bull-riding. HEEE HAAA!!! Even got a cowboy hat from Nashville, Tennessee. HAHAHHA...I love it that I'm so versatile!! NOT!! hee hee
Taking an Anthropology class this quarter. I am actually excited...I get to know where our emotions derive from. There are a total of three books to read and a bunch of articles to read too. A midterm, a final, and a final paper is due. The final paper will be derived from my journal entries throughout the quarter. I have a topic in mind but will see as I read the books and articles what emotion I should write about.
Got an A from my Sociology class last quarter. I hope to do as well again.
Lately I've been going back and reflecting on my 2007 year. It was fun, it was boring, it was heartbreaking, etc. But I've met some interesting people.
I've been wishing upon a star that I will be better this year. I wish that:
1. I am successful in my school career 2. I am a great friend to those I befriend 3. I am a good daughter to my parents 4. I am a good sister and sister in law 5. I am a great listener to those that are hurting 6. I am a great girlfriend/wife one day (when I finally meet that someone special) 7. I am healthy and keep up my work-out routine 8. I am motivated to anything and everything I set my mind to
Just a few things I had in mind. Just setting small goals everyday.
Just a few hours left in 2007? Are you reflecting on your past year and seeing if you've accomplished enough?
Well. I look forward to 2008. New possibilities, new opportunities, new friendships, new heartaches, new travel ventures, new adventures...
I'm sooooooooooo excited. The end of my 2007 was a success. Haven't hung out with this friend in a while and we had a great time last night...looking forward to many more.
To all the girlfriends I had friendships with...I bid you good luck in 2008.
For all the drama kings that have come in my life 2007...I hope you learn to be less drama queens for it is not pretty to see a guy (can't call them men exactly) turn into a girl. You all need more luck than the female friendships I've walked away from.
For those who've come into my life...I hope we all grow and be molded into the people we were meant to be.
I've witnessed time and time again since I started KFF that NARCISSISM comes in all shapes and sizes to varying degrees.
I love to laugh and make others laugh...but the thing that makes me laugh the most is...HOW CERTAIN PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE GOD'S GIFT to the opposite sex.
I know that People Magazine composes the 50 most beautiful people of the world. I have not seen any of these narcissistic KFF people in those magazines. The world does not revolve around you!!! Once you've been nominated in Fortune 500 or People's 50 Most Beautiful...then you have a right to think the world revolves around you. But then again...I don't see any of them reaching Warren Buffet or Oprah's fame and fortune.
BUT...NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!! There is someone richer, better looking, smarter, taller, thinner, muscular, articulate, bigger unit, bigger breasts...etc. etc.
I'm an average person...living day to day to learn and grow. But it amazes me that these narcissistic people need to be their own boss b/c they can't take criticism well. Or they measure the level of hotness of their potential significant other b/c they think they are the next Brat Pitt or Giselle. When they are like Joe Pescie or Roseanne Barr.
These people are ugly on the inside as well as the outside. Look in the mirror people before you blow everything out of proportion...before you start blaming others for your insecurities...before you start blaming your past...
Nature versus nurture. It's your choice to make yourself better...BUT...do it within your means. You should not throw rocks at others when you live in a glass house.
Discard the old ways and make yourself anew. Because people get frustrated when you live in your own bubble and not accept the views of others.
Being on here...it's been a humbling and tortuous experience. But through this, I know who my true friends are. And I welcome the new friendships I've made. We are all different. Learn to accept others. The world would be a better place if you learn to humble thyself.
There is always someone better than you. Work with what God, Allah, Buddha, whatever god you worship, gave you. That's all you have. And those that think they're THE SHIEET!!!...look around. You're not!!!
, have more knowledge as I read these books assigned to me, have more soul depth, have more softness of heart, have more...of me!
I recently discovered the meaning to this and why mile markers disappear with that number. I stray from the path... 
Anyways. I am so amused at the fact the guy next to him is making funny faces as he glances occassionally over. It would be interesting in what he's actually doing. I'm sure he's chatting online to some woman (hopefully a woman) on some other website. It's amazing to just peer over my screen at this guy while he's so cross-eyed and kok-eyed (if i spell it the right way, KFF may delete this post). Do people only have social lives online?
