so many things have happened so far this year...some good, some bad.
i'm naked. i lay here naked with nothing on. it's the true self. nothing to hide behind. nothing to hide in. nothing to hide under.
as i'm working out and eating right...i look better everyday. slimming down. toning up.
naked. i don't think i'll be embarrassed to be naked in front of a guy again...i hope i have volunteers soon. (but please be at least 5' 10") haven't been embarrassed to stand in the mirror since the start of 2008. i feel comfortable in my own skin now.
i still have a little way to go to have my 24 y.o. body. hmmm...being 34 now...i can say i'm back to my 27/28 y.o. body. not bad. just a few more and i'll be 24 again. hhahahah.
can't wait to share heat...it's been too long since i've had mindblowing heat!!!
it's fun putting thoughts on screen...hahahhahah!!!
what are you exactly afraid of? that i might become like your ex and hurt you? why do you say nice things? is it your plot to just get me into bed? not afraid to have those types of arrangements. i am a woman who knows what she wants and thinks that you are the same...but you are not. gave up on alot things to see if we even have a chance together.
what are you exactly afraid of? that i would be a raging psycho like your ex? afraid that i would rip your heart out like her? i asked that you don't say anything more of wanting to see me and you say that you do despite all of that. but then you leave me hanging. sent you something to help you understand that it's okay you see other people and that i'd do the same...but trap me into your little box again by sending me a gift. you made sure i got attached to you again in that way. you even made it known that i was attached to you.
what are you exactly afraid of? that i would hurt you like the rest of them? didn't you know i was dedicated to you heart and soul...just needed to meet in body. we longed and craved each other. even shared intimate moments with each other. we click in ways and we don't click in ways...i know that. i just need for you to really know what you want from me. friendship you say...we've established that as our foundation. we stated that you wanted time to tell us what we have...but why are you prolonging it?
what are you exactly afraid of? that we meet in peron and we don't click? wouldn't you like to know sooner than later if we don't? this stirs up resentment in me bc of your empty words of wanting to come out to see me. are you waiting around for me to show up at your doorstep bc then you are not taking the risk of rejection if you come out here?
what are you exactly afraid of? you want to be with me and you take 3 steps towards me...but then you don't want to get hurt so you take 2 steps back. didn't someone say, you purposely prevent yourself from being happy? don't you think we can be happy together?
what are you exactly afraid of? are you scared of a commitment? then you should never shared with me that you wondered if my parents would like you. are you scared that i would leave you for another guy? is that what your ex did to you? did you catch her in bed (your shared bed with her) with another guy? are you scared that i would meet you in person and think you are unworthy? isn't putting up your wall making it worse?
what are you exactly afraid of? to tell me that i should take things in stride. that i am a capable and strong woman. then why do you torture me so. you said at times i may be too good for you...do i need to stroke your ego more than i have? did your ex lack that in that area? did she demean and ridicule you? did she make you believe that you'll amount to nothing? is that why you don't have your shiet together at your age? do something about it then...it's better than be 40/50/60 and needing to learn a new skill.
what are you exactly afraid of? that i am not exactly what you've built up in your head? that i am fatter or uglier than you imagined or wanted? that i don't kiss you the way you want? what is it?
what are you exactly afraid of? are you scared of moving into the next stage of your life? afraid that your friends' complaints of marriage will be the same for you? are you scared that we won't live the life we pictured through our conversations?
what are you exactly afraid of? what do you want from me? you wanted "at least" friendship, but you aren't really being a friend to me. you left me all alone when i was going through something tough. didn't bother to check up on me that day. you want friendship and more but you can't even stand by me when i needed a friend to lean on. do you constantly want to take from me and not give anything back?
what are you exactly afraid of? really...what is it?
i finally got to meet some great unnis in lieu of saco1 oppa's appearance in LA. there was even a cake with his name on it. hee hee
that was probably the only highlight of my weekend...
i can't wait to hang out with bada ya unni and saco1 oppa again...but this time in NYC...
i am trying...trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
but wanted to share the happiest moment of my weekend as i got to meet bada ya unni, saco1 oppa, chunsa00 unni, pookie78, 1transporter, lilbbgrl, dominik, stillgood, sweetpepe, and then to see the ppl whom i've already met.
for those of you who said you were coming and no showed ... you missed out!!! puuuuahahhahahahah...you suck!!!!!
(but please be at least 5' 10") haven't been embarrassed to stand in the mirror since the start of 2008. i feel comfortable in my own skin now. 
just a few more and i'll be 24 again. hhahahah. 
