| 10 Things I Absolutely Dislike About You... |
Mar 2, 2008 10:47 am
Mood: satisfied, 1399 Views |  | 1. blame others for your drunken stupidity
2. blame your lack of commitment because you don't have your shiet together
3. blame me for the girl dumping you because she put many items together that night
4. blame the world because your people have been abused and violated (look in all history, every nation has been abused and violated)
5. blame yourself for being fat when you can do something about it
6. blame me for your small ego because you can't handle a joke
7. blame other girls because you can't find a boyfriend
8. blame other guys for their better game plan
9. blame the world for your lack of diligence to get right within yourself
10. blame myself for my stupidity last week (this is towards me) because you thought life was that terrible that you wanted to end your life
--this addresses a combination of people and addresses specific people, and come on...i put myself on the list too so don't be so damn critical.
life is what you make of it. i learned it the hard way last week when i thought that my world was falling apart. i drove some people to become distant from me. others i've drawn closer. you can't rely on others to change yourself. only you can change yourself. only you can make specific changes to your life. you have no right to complain about anything until you have done everything possible to succeed and you fail time and time again. until you have bled your last drop...you cannot say you've really tried.
i am thankful for the two women who have come into my life and helped me think more rational. my rational mind was there...it just needed guidance and venting. a stir in the right direction. even through all of this, a new friend has become closer to me too.
you can never really tell from the people you meet if they are who they truly are. but it's through these hard times that you know who's light you want to shine right along side with.
never settle for second best. never settle for low class. never settle for foolish behavior. never ask for free shiet, work for your damn food!!!
thank you for the people on that list...it's helped me realize that i'm better off. i have a better life compared to those on the list. it's those delusions of self hate and hate for others that makes you who you are. it's a wonder how...these individual people blame me for their misfortune...it makes me build up my ego though...that i had that much of an impact in their lives that actual name calling and blame have been directed at me. i have the last laugh... |
| |
|
9 Comments | |
| my baby... |
Mar 2, 2008 12:24 am
1209 Views |  | i'm such the proud mama. i don't even like leaving her for a second...
here is the latest pic of her...an hour after her bath...
her and her toothbrush...to help with her teething.
ee-poon-ee is definitely my first child. |
| |
|
4 Comments | |
| "stay..." |
Feb 29, 2008 1:03 pm
1005 Views |  | One of my all time favorite country songs...
Whether it is someone else, your career, your past, your fears, the distance, etc... Its sad you can't give yourself to me...and I am now hesitant to give my heart... I guess only time will let us know if it is meant to be...
but now...even though i want to hold on to what could have been. i know that i need to move on.
This song always touches my heart. It makes me cry each time...
Stay
(Jennifer Nettles)
I been sittin' here starin'
At the clock on the wall
And I been layin' here prayin'
Prayin' she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be cryin'
And I'll be beggin' you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waitin'
With my heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dyin'
What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay (yeah)
You keep tellin' me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like bein' used
And I'm tired 'a waitin'
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay (yeah)
I can't take it any longer
But my will is gettin' stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you'll find
You wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah
Oh |
| |
|
2 Comments | |
| love... |
Feb 28, 2008 10:54 am
1160 Views |  | it requires 2 people to participate.
it is cruel at times.
it is what makes the world go round.
it gives hope that everything will be alright.
it is to be shared freely.
is a new puppy. |
| |
|
6 Comments | |
| the newest member of our family...my baby. |
Feb 25, 2008 8:18 pm
1439 Views |  | i know in november i got a puppy.
anyways. i came home one day and the pup was gone. they didn't want my jindo...which was the prettier of the two.
anyways. my dad brought this little thing home today. knowing how depressed i've been...
to think either the other pup ran away or someone came in and stole it from us. it's happened before.
anyways...i want you introduce you to our ee-poon-ee. it lays right on the forearm. so cute. so tiny. this really brightened my day. |
| |
|
7 Comments | |
| why i am the way i am this week... |
Feb 24, 2008 3:51 am
Mood: numb, 1891 Views | woke up in a panic. it's 2:45 am and i am sitting in front of my computer now writing this blog.
now i know why i am the way i am this week...
it is exactly a week ago today that i lost my job. got mad at the guy whom i care for and wanted to walk away. found out yesterday i got a failing grade on my money and banking midterm. i was literally a psycho emotional biatch all day yesterday after receiving my grade. i felt like i've had enough punishment already.
i lost my friends late last year regarding an incident with one of my gfs and a male kffer. i still don't know what happened that night and still they choose to ignore me. all i know, it must be something embarrassing or of regret bc they chose to cut me out of their lives. i could not control my gf's drinking (her behavior was unlike her) for i was drinking alot that night too to celebrate the end of my finals. 'til this day, i still don't know what happened b/t them.
anyways...i had these gfs in a crisis/depression like this, my gfs and i would get together to talk/cry/vent/support/slap/resolve/drink together. but for a while i haven't really had that (for 2-6 months). there are two women i've met on KFF that have helped me but with my other gfs...i was at "home." they knew me already, we've gone through so much together. not having them these past few days and months...it was killing me. it hurt so bad.
any struggle i was going through...i would always bounce off my frustations and ideas to them. they would help me think rationally and unemotionally to the people whom i was having problems with. i don't really have that anymore...not to the extent i've had with them.
this is why i've been the way i've been this year. i am not the calm rational person i've been before. instead...i've been trying to find other friends to fill in that void. the guy i care for, can't handle this at all...i've been going to him to share in my frustrations (which i shouldn't be doing). first of all bc he's a guy and second of all, he's part of the problem. this friendship with raw feelings, it is a sticky situation. it's not like me and my other guyfriends--we don't have those feelings for each other so it's easier for them to hear me out and share thoughts.
bc i don't have that same comfort level with my new gf and unni from KFF...i hold back on fully releasing my thoughts and frustrations with them. i am grateful and love their friendship and advice but it's not the same.
due to this emotional boulder on my shoulder growing more and more...i was not thinking rationally last night & tonight. i felt like with everything i've gone through this year thus far...i've been carrying it around with me. the struggles with my job before i lost it. the struggles with my parents. the struggles with guys. the struggles within myself. the struggles in life in general...they knew me and my past. i felt safe with them.
my gfs and i would share and share and share. then drink. then scream, sing, and scream again so loud that we knew we had the strength to face whatever we had coming. bc they were my support system and i was theirs.
i am still mourning from my friendships lost. and another thing too...my beloved cousin...whom i wanted to join last night...it's his birthday monday.
people don't know. bc of what i've gone through in my past, i was suicidal for a very long time. attempted a couple of times. plotted more than attempted--probably about a thousand times. and fantasized about death about a million times. even had the perfect plan for the next time around...sure to succeed...but then i got therapy, meds, and support. i eventually became that person again before any of those bad things happened to me.
then after my cousin's suicide...i fully knew the pain that it leaves behind to those who are still alive. vowed never to have those thoughts again. until yesterday. even in my blog posts...it reflects the bitter me. the helpless me. when i know that it isn't me. all of those things...all those negative things about me...it wasn't me. but i sure believed in it yesterday. even drove my guy away again bc of these negative thoughts and ideas.
yes...it sounds like alot of excuses and it well may be. i'm just sharing with you (and to him) why i am the way i am lately. i miss my gfs and i miss my cousin. the birthdays of my cousin and grandfather and the anniversary of their deaths...it impacts my life still. it was easier dealing with ALL my struggles when i had my gfs. now...i struggle alone.
i am trying the best that i can. but i am failing miserably. i hope that you'll forgive me for my irrational behavior but i hope you understand a little bit of why i am the way i am of late. | |
|
19 Comments | |
| death... |
Feb 23, 2008 1:55 pm
Mood: crushed, 1620 Views | i can already foresee owen reaming me for this one and telling me to get meds and counseling...
life has many ups and downs and i've gone through enough loops to know maybe life is just too hard now.
i've always been angry at my cousin for taking his own life in 2003 and how i still want answers on why he did it. my sister and i still share on the pain that it has brought to our family and i vowed that no matter what...life isn't that hard.
but now i wonder...this helplessness i feel was even close to what my cousin was feeling the night he died. this week has been very hard on me. it seems that every week it's something. i think i had more bad days than good days this year and it's only febuary 23rd.
i just don't have the energy anymore. i try to be happy and generally i am. i try to not let things get to me for i know i'm better than this. i just don't have the strength to try anymore.
i've lost great friends in the latter part of last year and it still gets to me. my best friends are too busy with their careers and family that i don't want to bother them with my problems. i still can't sleep and i lay in bed wondering...what is my purpose in life.
i had a glimmer of hope for when the franchise tax board came to see us on campus and i went on the tour to rothstein kass i thought...two places i can possibly apply and get a job...i was stoked...i glimmer of hope. i was thinking...just suffer for 9 months with odd end jobs in the meantime, get your real job in january. i was hopeful...
but now with a failing grade in one of my classes and a mediocere (i know that i spelled that wrong) grade in my intermediate accounting class...now i doubt whether i have the talent to even succeed in this field.
i just want to crawl in a hole and disappear... i wish i was that lucky but i'm cursed to live this life. whether this is a punishment for the way i've lived my life...i will never know. but i do wonder...what was my cousin feeling and thinking right before he took his own life. is it the same of how i'm feeling right now? | |
|
10 Comments | |
| u lay in bed, u make the bed... |
Feb 22, 2008 10:39 am
Mood: annoyed, 1575 Views | i admit...i stir up some controversy up in KFF chat. but i firmly believe that if you lay in bed, you make the bed. i make these titles up in my blogs because it attracts people to wanting to read your blogs.
my recent blog of "i'm naked," one has pointed out that it might not reflect a good reputation of me. i believe it's just a title and not a reflection of who i am. if you read the blog...it doesn't say anything outside of what everyone thinks about or have thought about.
i've never blamed anyone else for my lack of discipline, my insecurities, my screw-ups, my past, or my faults.
BUT...recently things have gone sour. i love the friendships that i've developed in here. but there is a level of distance when it comes to friendship with unnis and guys.
it's my opinion but...there should be a level of distance of your friendships with men and women. and it varies in different degrees of course. i have close girlfriends that i would lay my life for (some of those friendships now don't exist) and i have close guyfriends too whom i deeply care for. and i believe i met some unnis and oppas whom i know we will be friends for life. but still...there is a level of distance when it comes to unnis and oppas.
but i believe that when it comes to friendships...one should not put the other in danger. i've been put in situations where i have been invaded and molested when i was trying to help someone. and it's constantly and consistently the same throughout. i do not like that. i should not be put in those situations where the guys think i'm a certain way when i am not.
so...whatever the case maybe. yes. i am at fault for not watching my mouth but it is something that people have witnessed for themselves. yes, i am at fault for not lying and protecting this person but...i'm kind of tired of saving when that person should take care of herself. but why should i lie about a situation when people have witnessed it for themselves.
if you lay in bed, make the bed. own up to your own faults, admit that you're at fault, man up to your responsibilities, stop blaming others for your stupidity, stop trying to fix your reputation when it's already damaged. shut up and move on. annoying others and trying to seek sympathy from others outside of that night...it doesn't make you look better...it makes you look the bigger fool. here's a shovel and a towel...dig yourself out.
if you lay in bed, make the bed. | |
|
12 Comments | |
|
| i'm naked |
Feb 21, 2008 10:23 am
1967 Views | so many things have happened so far this year...some good, some bad.
i'm naked. i lay here naked with nothing on. it's the true self. nothing to hide behind. nothing to hide in. nothing to hide under.
as i'm working out and eating right...i look better everyday. slimming down. toning up.
naked. i don't think i'll be embarrassed to be naked in front of a guy again...i hope i have volunteers soon.  (but please be at least 5' 10") haven't been embarrassed to stand in the mirror since the start of 2008. i feel comfortable in my own skin now.
i still have a little way to go to have my 24 y.o. body. hmmm...being 34 now...i can say i'm back to my 27/28 y.o. body. not bad.  just a few more and i'll be 24 again. hhahahah.
can't wait to share heat...it's been too long since i've had mindblowing heat!!!
it's fun putting thoughts on screen...hahahhahah!!! | |
|
16 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (DangerousBeauty2) use [blog DangerousBeauty2] in your messages. |
|
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
11
|
2
|
3
|
41
|
5
|
6
|
71
|
81
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
151
|
16
|
|
171
|
181
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
231
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
273
|
28
|
29
|
301
|
|
311
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
