Screw my birthday
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You heard me. I turned 30 today and all I want is to die. I have nothing but complete heart ache here in Korea. I DJed a co-worker's birthday, only to be ignored while I did it and not thanked after I was finished. I bought two female co-workers earrings on their birthdays that totaled almost 300,000 Won in price. One have me a forced "thank you," the other rolled her eyes and has ignored me ever since. On top of that, I treated them, and one of my co-worker's boyfriends to a Nore-bang in the VIP room for three hours. I bought dinners for my co-workers out of the goodness of my heart. I've bought rounds at bars, I've done everything to show I am a good person. Today is my birthday. I got a card, I got forced "happy birthdays" and I got ignored. I keep saying to people my life is nothing but pain and misery. Today is living proof. I turned 30 today. All I want to do is die. At least then, my misery and torture will be over. No one cares to understand me, no one cares to try to get to know me. . .I either get "he's too moody, I don't like him" or "he's a monster, I don't like him." I turned 30. . .January 19th. All I want is my life to end. What do I have to look forward to? Never ending loneliness, people who have no interest in learning about me and see no problems hurting me (but if I do something, it's used against me forever), people who use me, people who ignore me and so much past torment, torture and pain that all I feel is complete misery every day. I turned 30 today. . .and wonder why I didn't eat it years ago. I turned 30 today. . .and am too much of a coward to do what I really want to do. I turned 30 today. . .and can no longer hide inside a bottle, as it's been 24 days since my last drink and am working on sobriety for the 10th time. Don't tell me about my heart. I truly have given up the will to live. Please someone end it all for me so I can fade into the oblivion I know is destined for me. |
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 1/19/2009 1:15 pm |
You feel what I feel. People around me are so arrogant and rude. Everyone ignores me. All I want is a machinegun. I want to die like Cho Seung Whee
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1/19/2009 2:35 pm |
PhD... but why should all that matter? Isn't the value you put on yourself mean more than what others put on you? Don't work too hard to get accepted by others. When you accept yourself and love yourself, others will do the same. And if you have done those nice things out of good heart, then don't expect anything back... of course unless you've done those to "buy" or "gain" acceptance and your value. Happy Birthday.
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1/19/2009 3:48 pm |
HI PHD   HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU  want to read yours word every year in this day ok  from jiazhen
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1/19/2009 8:41 pm |
Future, AegiSsi1 is right. Acceptance. Accept Thyself By Tal Ben Shahar “I am a human being: nothing human is foreign to me.” -Terentius It was when I welcomed unhappiness, that I became happier. My most significant psychological breakthrough came when I realized, truly internalized the notion, that it was OK for me to be sad, that there was nothing wrong with feeling dispirited, stressed, lonely, or anxious—that it was just fine to be human. Allowing myself to freely experience negative emotions did not only weaken these sentiments, it also intensified the positive ones.Acceptance is a prerequisite for a healthy emotional life. When we accept ourselves, when we welcome everything that is human about us, we open up a space within which we can act, and feel. If we repress an emotional reaction and refuse to accept it—whether anger or disappointment or joy—we create a knot in the channels that make up our emotional system. The same system is used for the flow of all emotions—positive and negative—and if we block the flow of one emotion it affects our ability to experience other emotions. For example, if I do not accept my agitation after having made a mistake I will hinder my ability to experience joy when something good happens to me. At the onset of negative emotions we have a choice—to stifle and reject... or to accept and experience. What we choose to do at that moment affects our emotional life in general because the emotional system as a whole is affected. Closing off the emotional valve to the flow of negative emotions inevitably restricts future flow of positive emotions. We cannot eat the cake (deny the free flow of negative emotions) and leave it whole (enjoy the free flow of positive emotions). Pain... and joy... are two sides of the same coin and there is a symmetry between our capacity to experience one and the other. In the words of psychologist Abraham Maslow: “By protecting himself against the hell within himself, he also cuts himself off from the heaven within.” We can’t have it both ways—stifling negative emotions while expecting a free flow of positive ones. We have to choose... whether or not to allow ourselves to fully experience our humanity—its sorrows, at times, but also its joys. To accept ourselves is not necessarily to like what we did or to approve of it, ...but rather to forgive ourselves. To forgive, in Sanskrit, is to untie—when we forgive we untie an emotional knot and unclog the emotional system. And it is when we allow our emotions to flow freely—when we experience the lows and the highs, the pain and the pleasure, the sorrows and joys—that we are, as we can and ought to be, fully human. Be encouraged, Future. Much Love and Respect, Noni  "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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1/19/2009 10:56 pm |
Oh dude! I know I should have shown some sympathy but I ended up laughing when I read this post. I can't figure out your tonality. you said "he's too moody, I don't like him" or "he's a monster, I don't like him." maybe you should try to change yourself (if there is a need) Maybe the earrings aint to their likings. I suggest you should buy something else. Earrings can be quite personal. I think Soju is very very practical ^^ Nah, Just kidding.I think people still find it hard to accept the others coming from a different nationality/race. Don't give up your life just because koreans can't accept u yet. HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!
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1/19/2009 11:51 pm |
Oh dude! I know I should have shown some sympathy but I ended up laughing when I read this post. I can't figure out your tonality. you said "he's too moody, I don't like him" or "he's a monster, I don't like him." maybe you should try to change yourself (if there is a need) Maybe the earrings aint to their likings. I suggest you should buy something else. Earrings can be quite personal. I think Soju is very very practical ^^ Nah, Just kidding.I think people still find it hard to accept the others coming from a different nationality/race. Don't give up your life just because koreans can't accept u yet. HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!! Next time you want to laugh at me, step in front of a speeding bus you disrespectful little skazwag.
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1/20/2009 12:25 am |
PhD i think you should take things lightly. I'm saying this in a light hearted tone. your words were so harsh. o.O I won't, cause I cherish my life ~ god bless you~
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1/20/2009 6:26 pm |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU~~~ HAPPY BIRTHFAY TO YOU~~~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY~~~~ DEAR PHD~~~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU~~~~ I THINK YOU NEED SOME PPO PPO PPO  AND SOME BIG HUGS HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON...
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1/21/2009 3:29 pm |
You seem to be on the brink of suicide. Don't kill yourself, that's murder and you won't go to heaven. If anything, have hope in the fact that if you live your life as a decent human being (no matter how badly others treat you), you'll go to heaven. People say to you, "he's too moody, I don't like him" or "he's a monster, I don't like him." There's probably a reason why people say that. The only time that I've heard people say these things (in this combination) was when they were describing deranged people (I'm not saying that you are deranged - I don't know you well enough to make that judgment on my own; I'm just telling you my experience). People ignore you and don't appreciate it when you buy them things and treat them to dinners, etc. Have you wondered why? For example, maybe the female co-workers didn't want the earrings from you, but you forced the "gifts" upon them? Granted, I'm a relatively new member here, but I must admit that you are the most intriguing person I've come across on this place. The last time I heard "monster" describing a person was after Tyson chewed Holy's ear(Oh, and when he also said he's gonna eat children). Instead of blaming others for the negative vibe, maybe you should look at yourself and try to realize some of the things that you may be doing wrongly. I think there really is hope for you, but you have to really look at yourself. You know what, I know this one girl who is half retarded, has one eye (the other eye is just an eyelid), and has teeth coming out of her cheekbones (doctors can't fix it without damaging her nerves). But she's the most beautiful person I know! No one treats her negatively because she has such a positive outlook on life. She is also generous like you, but she is generous to the right people. When people fail to acknowledge her, she never complains. In fact, she never complains at all! She is truly remarkable and everybody loves her. Trust me, no one feels sorry for her though. People's feelings towards her do not have their roots in pity; they stem from her character. If I offended you in any way, I apologize - I had no such intention. I just wanted to help you in the only manner that I know how (at this time) so that you wouldn't meet a former angel, especially anytime soon. Cheer up, have some Korean bbq, drink some Korean liquor, think about the positive things that has happened in your life (even if just a few), smile, then laugh, and give yourself a slap on the back for being able to have some Korean bbq while having some good liquor, smiling, and laughing. Cheers, my brother!
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1/22/2009 3:25 am |
Future... I'm very sorry. Yes, I tried to persuade you in open chatroom that there are more issues that account for the problems in our relationships apart from the pheripheral of being dumped, abandoned, hated and disillusioned in life, that is. There was, though, a message being conveyed there; and that was not necessarily about being perceived as inadequate, monsterous,etc. ...but merely that opportunity for change, positive insight, and an ability to place things past in the past... and move forward towards the very thing you yourself state a need for: formation of relationships (that endure), mutual acceptance, self-discovery ***(although it is at best to know thyself as whole before forming relations with others), and (like I said it...) "becom(ing) MORE THAN who and what I think you already are given your intellect." Again I say Future, ...the focus should be NOT on the woman, the relationship, etc. so much as on yourself... to be the best person YOU can be, to INVEST IN YOURSELF. Believe in your ability for change, and stop placing YOUR HAPPINESS and YOUR WORLD onto circumstances of the woman and/or the relationship currently attatched or nonexistent in your life. Try to become MORE than you were before what you seem to have had was taken away from you, and try also to BEGIN FOCUSING on creating your own world, on improving YOUR OWN life because when YOU do that, YOU start to naturally exhibit all the qualities that others desire in YOU– confidence, purpose, drive, ambition,self-esteem, etc. Once again, other guys will create their world based on the pheripheral, cause WHEN THE PHERIPHERAL IS GONE..., so is their world and they will have nothing to hold onto. Don't let this be so with you. It’s important then, Future, to focus on becoming the best person YOU can be. Don't worry about those who can't accept you for you and what you have to offer. Start creating the life YOU want to live. Stop comparing yourself with others and coming up short, that is not wise... By doing YOU, YOU... will, and may I add...BE GUARANTEED to find a woman and the situation that will FIT INTO YOUR WORLD...naturally. Stay the course, Future. Get back on track. Get yourself REFOCUSED again, and shovel the f*ckin' gravel accordingly, alright? ...as we all must do in this life.... BTW, I STILL believe in God... Peace! "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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1/22/2009 8:43 am |
Future, Read 2 Corinthians 10:12 as you reside there in Korea, alright? 2 Corinthians 10:12 International Standard Version: We would not dare put ourselves in the same class with, or compare ourselves to, those who recommend themselves. Whenever they measure themselves by their own standards or compare themselves among themselves, they show how foolish they are. New American Standard Bible: For we are not ~bold~ to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding. GOD'S WORD Translation: We wouldn't put ourselves in the same class with or compare ourselves to those who are bold enough to make their own recommendations. Certainly, when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves to themselves, they show how foolish they are. King James Bible(my favorite): For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. Bible in Basic English...lol: For we will not make comparison of ourselves  with some of those who say good things about themselves: but these, measuring themselves by themselves, and making comparison of themselves with themselves, are not wise.Darby Bible Translation: For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves; but these, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves with themselves, are not intelligent. English Revised Version: For we are not bold to number or compare ourselves with certain of them that commend themselves: but they themselves, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves with themselves, are without understanding. Webster's Bible Translation: For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. Weymouth New Testament: ***For we have not the 'courage' to rank ourselves among, or compare ourselves with, certain persons distinguished by their self-commendation. Yet they are not wise, measuring themselves, as they do, by one another and comparing themselves with one another. World English Bible: For we are not bold to number or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves. But they themselves, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves with themselves, are without understanding. Young's Literal Translation: For we do not make bold to rank or to compare ourselves with certain of those commending themselves, but they, among themselves measuring themselves, and comparing themselves with themselves, are not wise. Geneva Study Bible (another favorite of mine...: For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. Being forced to refute the foolish braggings of certain ambitious men, he witnesses that they are able to bring nothing, but that they falsely think highly of themselves. And as for himself, although he brags of excellent things, yet he will not pass the bounds which God has measured him out. And according to these bounds he came even to them in preaching the Gospel of Christ, and trusts that he will go further, when they have so profited that he will not need to remain any longer among them to instruct them. And to this is added an amplification, in that he never followed the labours of other men. This is spoken in a taunting manner. Upon a vain persuasion that they have of themselves, they attribute to themselves anything at all. They condemn others, and measure all their doings only by themselves. And the winner is... **************************************************** Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary: "We do not presume (irony) to judge ourselves among, or in comparison with, some of them that commend themselves." The charge falsely brought against him of commending himself (2Co 3:1; 5:12), really holds good of the false teachers. The phrase, "judge ourselves of the number," is drawn from the testing of athletes and senators, the "approved" being set down on the roll...measuring themselves by themselves-"among themselves": to correspond to the previous verb, "judge ourselves among them." Instead of measuring themselves by the public standard, they measure themselves by one made by themselves: they do not compare themselves with others who excel them, but with those like themselves: hence their high self-esteem. The one-eyed is easily king among the blind. They, therefore, are not wise-with all their boasted "wisdom" (1Co 1:19-26), they are anything but "wise." ***********************************************************  DO YOU, Future."Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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1/24/2009 11:50 am |
some people have me on ignore permanently and i have been chasing them to speak to me.I have been wondering - Why ?Now i get the reason - Acceptance. But...not my problem. I let go of the string for tug-a-war for 'acceptance' long time ago. I was a CHILD before, but have since ...put away CHILDISH things. No need for validation by others on my part. I tend to look well above the crowd to my SOURCE for that. The speech, thoughts and feelings of a CHILD give way to those of a man upon maturity. So it will be when SOME PEEPS move on from CHILDISH... to full development. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.--1 Corinthians 13:11 KJV How about yourself, slumdog. Have you now BECOME A MAN, and done away with the things of the child? ()  "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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