Hello. . .my name is Aram: And I'm an alcoholic  

TheFuturePhD 12/29/2008 7:15 pm	I didn't realize it until Saturday, but I know now that I am a complete alcoholic that needs help. Saturday night, I did something I never thought I'd do again. I went out just to get hammered. I went to a bar in Bundang and, in the span of two hours, drank almost two bottles of Stoli vodka. 1.5 litres of vodka. I don't know much after 1:30, since that's the last time I checked my cell phone. I remember some black guy telling me he was trying to help me, I remember feeling very cold like I was outside and I remember feeling hard cold on my legs and chest, like I was lying down on something cold. I realize I have no control when I drink, and when I start, I drink to excess. I have gotten drunk more here in Korea than anyplace else, and when I do, it gets worse and worse. I don't feel cravings like I need to drink. But when I start, I can't stop until I pass out. I don't know what I'm running from and I don't know why I'm running into a bottle for comfort. . .but I have a good idea. And it is all my fault. If you've read my past blogs, you'd understand. I started drinking at 14 years old, when my doctor told me I could never play baseball again. As meaningless as that sounds, it's what I had that gave me satisfaction. I was damn good and it gave me the unaccepted praise I had longed for. I lived under the weight of expectations that I could never meet from people I could never please. I felt, and still feel, that people could only love me if I was perfect, and I fell down too many times to accept pure love. After being told that, I sunk into my music, namely songwriting: Writing about isolation, drug addiction, lose love, lost causes, insanity and the feeling of hopeless rejection. I poured myself into my music. I have been told how great my work is and how amazing it is, but I don't believe people who say that. It's just more of the same. Over the past 16 years, I've spent 12 of them drunk off and on. The four sober years was in a relationship I thought would save me. It didn't. It was stolen from me. She abandoned me after I showed her complete devotion, telling me that I was "worthless" and "no woman would love me again because I'm not worth a woman's time." I spent two years inside a bottle over that and only crawled out when I became a teacher, finding new love and purpose in a classroom. I am an alcoholic, as painful as it is for me to say that. I don't know if support groups or indifferent doctors can help me, as I've tried all that with an open mind and I relapsed countless times. I feel isolated, alone and without direction right now. I have made zero friends here in Korea: not among Koreans because I can't speak the language and not among English speakers because of backstabbing of me on their part when I first got here and the lack of trust that backstabbing developed. In my time in Korea, I've written over 50 more songs and just finished my newest screenplay. I wish I knew how to find representation. I am Aram. . .and I am an alcoholic.
brainteaser69 12/30/2008 5:57 am	Always have faith in god. Do ur best and forget the rest. I know many people who were severe alcoholics but they have given up after they devoted more time towards spiritual activities and medidation.I can help to guide u u in this connection if u so need. regards bt
korn2020 Ask me for a photo 1871 posts  12/30/2008 9:09 am	Now that you admit it. You must get help ! KORN