We Walk ,...in the Dark : Why Relationships Struggle.  

NoniJuice4 10/31/2008 6:54 pm

How so? What we carry within us – a true image of relationship possibility – has long ago been obscured by the noise of commerce, the seductions of culture and the demands of living. Our instinctual knowledge of partnering, our need to love, our aspirations of creating a family with longevity, all suffer from inattention. We could say we are pressured to focus on what we want and increasingly ignorant of what we need. Here are a few distractions: ...bite sized 'news,' the call to instant gratification of needs, the absence of meaningful conversations, life style impermanence and the loss of community, and the omnipresence of television. Forgive please the rant in this.... I wondered if I should even have 'gone there' again. I do so because of a honest believe that those who want to bring life back into relationships that have flat line and leaders who’ve lost their tether to their own instincts and their own wisdom. Do note though that the two, marriage competency and leadership competency, have a great deal in common: Both require certain skills and talents and, far more important, Both require a continuous deepening of connection to one's self, one's own center – the cauldron of meaning, values, love energy and genius with which each of us has been blessed but from which many have become disconnected. This inner world can lose its vividness, fecundity, energy as well as the power to guide us IF we ignore it. You can tell if you are ignoring it.... Does the word marriage awaken a sense of awe, deep possibility, a longing for community and a sense of belonging in you? If not, your inner world is neglected. Does the word divorce roll off your tongue as easily as, say, vacation, going shopping or the time of day? If it does you’ve lost contact with your own deep values. These powerful words offer deep meaning... and point to relationship possibilities and relationship fractures. They also describe common human experiences – the need for partnering, as well as the sorrow of failure. The 'dark' we walk in, is primarily the forgetfulness with which we treat our ideas. When powerful ideas lose their connection to powerful events, we lose their substance. Think 'democracy,' 'loyalty,' 'sacrifice,' and 'commitment.' We are meant to mate. We are meant to share ourselves intimately with another. We all long to be known and we all need to love. These define and shape the quality of each of our everyday lives. How is that like leadership? Someone said this to me recently: 'Leaders aren’t appointed, leaders volunteer.' She meant, I think..., to remind me of something often overlooked – that leadership is a quality we all have. What we don't do, probably because we aren't able to be conscious of our gift, is volunteer it. This is a big idea. It's an idea that can change how you relate to your work in this world, your partner, your community, and your children. Without connection to the gift you bring..., you will relate to yourself and therefore to others as if you have nothing special to offer. You might even have been educated to call this humility. This loss – the unawareness of who you are and what you bring to the table– causes a "dumbing-down" of attitude about marriage and similarly about leadership. If you're leading but not aware of who you are and what YOU bring to the table in any relationship, your leadership will look more like management. If you’re involved or married and unaware of yourself, every day will look a lot like yesterday. There will not be any new ideas introduced, relational energy will be low,... and emotional vitality will flat line. Underneath this all is time for a new paradigm – for marriage as well as for leadership. Paradigms which don’t so much describe the idea by what they do – leaders create shared vision, establish goals, set parameters of responsibility; marriage is a romance, party (the wedding), AND a commitment to stay together, but create an invitation to what they may become. Paradigms shape our expectations. Consider JFK’s famous statement. He was inviting a paradigm shift: “ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.” Darkness... is itself a paradigm , yet also a metaphor: challenge it... and the light will flood in to correct your paths. Rambling Noni... Signing out! "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler