25 Biggest SIMPS...~WHEN THE WHIP COMES DOWN ~
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4/11/2008 11:51 am |
Some of the most powerful men are nothing but big simps. No wonder America is so feminized. ************************* [B] ~WHEN THE WHIP COMES DOWN ~ The twenty-five most emasculated, disempowered, henpecked husbands on the planet By Matt Haber It's nothing new. Some of history's most celebrated and powerful men were cut down to size by the women in their lives. Samson was famously laid low by Delilah. Ronald Reagan called his wife "Mommy." Even John Lennon fell victim to Yoko, who reportedly left cat turds in his path to remind him who was boss. Ever since our prehistoric ancestors first crawled out of the ocean, took a deep breath of air, and uttered that familiar phrase: "Sure, we can go to the Container Store on Saturday," certain men have buckled under female domination. But is there any doubt we're living in a golden age of rampant, public whipping? Everywhere you look these days, you see the telltale signs of submission: pathological obedience, public humiliation, couples Pilates. It may start with a walk down the aisle-and isn't marriage one of the cornerstones of male acquiescence?-but it doesn't end until you're side by side in the beauty shop, waiting for your matching highlights. Just ask any of these simps. But try not to laugh too loudly; your woman's trying to watch Gossip Girl. 1. Guy Ritchie After the tough-talking shoot-’em-up Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels made him famous, the British director married long-in-the-tooth pop star Madonna and collaborated with her on a train wreck of a shipwreck comedy called Swept Away. The director gets extra lashes for embracing his wife’s trendy spiritual endeavors, reportedly sacrificing what’s left of his career cred on a yet-to-be-released documentary on Kabbalah. But the real reason he tops the list? This photo of Ritchie and Madge and a recently purchased strap-on. But really, who thought she needed one? 2. Doug Christie A running joke among NBA fans holds that giving a friend a jersey emblazoned with the Sacramento Kings’ number 13 is a none too subtle indication that your buddy is terminally whipped. The swingman’s wife, Jackie, followed him on the road, where in a typical game she was treated to as many as fifty hand signals of love and affirmation. In 2002 his public subjugation was celebrated in the sports pages of The New York Times, where Christie boasted: “Every conversation I’ve ever had with a woman since we’ve been married, besides my wife, she knows about.” 3. Eminem You know a guy’s in trouble when he marries the woman he’s spent years openly fantasizing about killing, then he goes and marries her again. 4. Bill Gates Once upon a time, the Microsoft founder was a rapacious evil billionaire in the Montgomery Burns mold. Enter his wife, Melinda, and suddenly Mr. Moneybucks is giving it all away through their Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Instead of spending his money on toys like personal rocket ships, Gates is now doling out his savings around the globe. Maybe it’s his operating system: Before marrying Melinda in 1994, Gates sought permission from his ex, Ann Winblad. 5. Josh Kelley Marrying Knocked Up star Katherine Heigl might do wonders for the career of this James Blunt wannabe—she did appear in Kelley’s video—but since when did weddings become promotional events? Uh, when the bride’s got a big wedding-themed movie to carry. These striving newlyweds not only provided pictures of the big day to OK! magazine but were married three weeks before 27 Dresses tanked at the box office. At least the marriage outlasted the movie. 6. Marc Anthony “She’s always been the boss!” the lizardy Latin singer told People magazine about his El Cantante costar and producer, wife Jennifer Lopez. “That’s the first thing a man has to know.… Absolutely, no question about it.” At least Anthony is a man of his word: In 2007 the Grammy winner set out on tour with his new wife, performing as her "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler |
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4/11/2008 12:11 pm |
SMH at that whole list. Simping in this country is at an all-time high. God help us all...lllolll!!! LMAO at #13. And Howard Stern is the true to the core definition of a SIMP. That man has been boasting forever about how there's no point in ever getting married. LMAO at Guy Ritchie. Even Dennis Rodman knew the deal with Madonna. What in the the hell is he doing marrying that chick?? And the Brotha speak yet again... A few comments on that list: Good for Bill Gates. I place him in the same category as China and The Klan: what's bad for him is ultimately good for me. Same goes for Rudolph Guliani. Michael Douglas: wasn't this fool talking shit about how whipped Brad Pitt was? Clean thy finger and all of that shit. Seal: goddamn moron, nuff said. Elton John: shouldn't even be on the list. Theoretically one can be a stand up guy in every other aspect of life and be gay, however, being a simp isn't detrimental to faggotry like it is straight hetrosex, so I don't think he should count. Howard Stern: you mean this mother fucking loud mouthed moron is an idiotic pussy worshipper who's setting himself up to be assraped in court AGAIN? I'd have never known just from hearing all the radio shows where he is obsessed with hearing herpes ridden strippers fart through their cunts and shit. Eminem: is an idiot, plain and simple. The Stern Show has become a sick joke ever since he hooked up with Bucephalus O, as many times as he would get greasy over other old/middle-aged guys and their trophy wenches (LIKE IMUS!!!). The Sirius show manages some golden moments, such as the Christies interview which had Baldy sweating as he was asked who he'd choose to save from a Nazi death camp, Mama or The Bitch. That stammering and her simmering was well worth the subscription price. But, the fact that they're no longer guided by the FCC means, instead of more creativity: * Endlessly lame FAKE phony phone calls * Embarrasingly fawned-over skanks poorly acting out an orgasm on a Sybian * Sleazy snake-oil commercials (after the promise of COMMERCIAL-FREE) * Closet queers promising that they're not while committing acts that would make gay activists scream, "YOU FAIRY!!!" * Dorky white guys slobbering over fat, never-was-hot, over-the-hil,l cackling, part-of-the-70-per Robin Quivers However, the crowning moment for this celebration of manginaism was the attempted gang rape of Marc Rudov who stood his ground well. Fred was practically foaming at the mouth over Rudov's assertion that women use pregnancy as a key to the man's vault. He really should stick to the sound effects. ~~~~> Oh Yes. Where is Usher?? He should be number 1 on the list.<~~~ )   BTW, If true, men need to learn from learn from Nicole Kidman. That's protecting your money in spite of a marriage. Simps like Paul McCartney could learn from her. too... (Argh!) As for Seal, I think it says as much about her that SHE would hook up with 1 guy while pregnant with another man's child as it does about him for hooking up with her in that situation. ^555 skank. The ultimate simp has got to be Larry King: 6 marriages. If he isn't a simp-ass mangina for not learning after the first, second, or third marriage let alone the fourth or fifth then something MUST be wrong.... Scratching head here...Hmm??? But since Larry King is so old, he'll soon be in the 'Simp Hall of Fame', eh? Ok, Ok....let me stop!! Argh! "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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4/11/2008 5:01 pm |
Dear NJ Your recent voracious appetite for writing lengthy but interesting blog posts and entries is much appreciated. Thank you for the edifying comments. It also is apparent that one of your favorite terms is [simp]. Would you please clarify what you mean when you use this term. It is a slang word.... is it short for being a simpleton? Is it short for being BARTSIMPSON-LIKE? Or do you mean it as in [wannabe PIMP]? We await your explanation...but please do it in 25-words or less... haha.
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4/11/2008 8:02 pm |
hhhmmmmm, ahhhh,,,what?! . you worry me!
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4/12/2008 8:20 am |
The short bus ... is over there, bluemango... (~~~>  Try NOT to miss transport to your destination, hmm? "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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4/14/2008 10:30 pm |
Dear NJ Your recent voracious appetite for writing lengthy but interesting blog posts and entries is much appreciated. Thank you for the edifying comments. It also is apparent that one of your favorite terms is [simp]. Would you please clarify what you mean when you use this term. It is a slang word.... is it short for being a simpleton? Is it short for being BARTSIMPSON-LIKE? Or do you mean it as in [wannabe PIMP]? We await your explanation...but please do it in 25-words or less... haha. Simping: "babygirl your the most beautiful girl in the world can I buy you and all your friends a drink, it ain't a problem for a guy like me" Simp: "Yea i got a new beamer it was only 70 thousand dollars (that his dad bought him) why don't you and all your friends drink all night on me" SOME women, like entitlement-whores, are willing to do anything to make a male a simp in taking care of the crap that they get THEMSELVES into. Case in point: This gem made my day. I suggest that you e-mail it to all of your friends. I remember this one from an old online friend of mine from another forum. Enjoy!...and TRY...to deduce the meaning of SIMP, Hmm?? I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company. I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl. We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully. Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity. At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri. So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batsh*t insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it. Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically. It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready. I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared. She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?" Well, she goes batsh*t insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper. I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately. I tell her simply, "You're screwed". Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared. I continue. "I am sterile" Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of sh*t. You're trapped and you know it." I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine." This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullsh*t, those are fakes." I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine." I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing. I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing. Epilogue - I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women. The Moral of the Story - Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret. _________________Score five points for the good guys like my friend here.... negative zero points for the Simps, OK? * * * * 25 words or less?  Eh right. I will try...(cough, cough) to keep it short and simple in the future..(smile) "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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4/16/2008 1:59 am |
Obviously, you do not follow directions well. I ask a multiple choice question and your answer is a paperback novel...lol...
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4/16/2008 2:37 am |
By the way, I think the guy in the story is a dick.
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4/16/2008 2:43 pm |
Following directions is for dogs, Pepe. Barking them is for controll freaks. I think we humans have evolved, hmm? As for opinions of the 'guy', it is what it is... and he ...apparently ins't bothered by other peopeles opinions of him either. that is why I've always liked him....(smile) "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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