Addictive Codependency... However Well Intentioned.
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3/24/2008 3:04 pm |
However well intentioned many people are, by focusing on others, they are never free to improve on themselves. Blaming others for the unhappiness in our own lives seems to have become the norm despite the rule where ever we go in this world. It is the codependency of many a relationship that allows many of us to lives either as martyrs, heroes or victims of our own circumstances. The codependent and behavioral aspects of many in the beliefs we hold dictate that if the unfaithfulness, promiscuity, overeating, drinking, gambling, etc., stopped, ...then life itself would be wonderful is just a bit much to actually expect, hmm? It does not stop. It does not stop because the codependency that is on display is an illness and a condition that needs identification and treatment. So many are in denial to this very fact. Just as the alcoholic has a dependency on the compulsive attachment to his or her drug, so do people in codependent relationships: A 'drug' is being used that makes the a bit more than what they really want others to perceive or understand about who and what they really are. Even so, here often seem to be adults here in search of 'self love' in others. A response to such a person is always codependent in nature. For example, relationships here, as adults, are often ‘re-created' in the form of parental relationships, and there is always the tendency to, therefore, choose our allegiances, etc. quite poorly. Choosing excitement, chaos and pain is therefore, BETTER FOR US, because that is all we know. It is what we have learned. It is something that we do over and repeatedly again as victims of our own circumstances. As codependent people, there is a frequency of interaction and attraction to those people surrounding situations and us even, where we perceive ourselves as the rescuer of someone we 'assume' needs our help. Yet, our relationships often are predicated on the need for getting: getting self-worth, getting sexual release, getting some sense of security...sigh... Because there is so much of a focus on others, there is usually the strong tendency on our part to ~rationalize~ our own self-centeredness in search for ‘acceptance’. Why is it that so many here hold on to a dependence on outside things? Work, a ‘good’ spouse, position, title, neighborhood, social contracts and constraints, as a way to define what it is they are as a person? Why is it that the obvious things of conflict are usually in terms of what was lost? “If I lose out on this ‘good thing’, then who the hell am I?” **Why is it that when we get older, the investment is always in terms of those outward appearances, to the exclusion of investigating, questioning and looking inward to the relationship in terms of ourselves? -- Years latter, looking back, one can see the identity crisis of sorts and how much of a self-worth usually places itself within the context of the external. ~~> Outside of work and family, why are people so lost and confused about who they really are?<~~~~Why it that whatever emotional investigations or resolutions haven’t taken place is, usually seems to catch up only when there is an overwhelming free-floating anxiety at play? Too many people are displaying this very fact. Looking at the posts of many here, I can honestly say that many here are suffering from a delay in their own identity development, possibly brought on by the mistaken belief that if they did all the things 'the social script' told them to do, they were ultimately going to be happy, secure, and hold a good feeling about themselves. In that external context, anyone can be unconscious of the fact that they have not actually investigated for themselves very much of life, and as such, really do not know who THEY are. Much of the adult world depends on people’s ability to be comfortable with themselves, where they come from, the experiences they have had, and recognition of what their strengths and weaknesses are. The codependent aspect of all of this is that there is an emotional, psycho-logical, and behavioral pattern of coping with our experiences. That pattern is brought about solely by the practice of and prolonged exposure to dysfunctional roles. Hmm... “Do not talk about your feelings”, “Do not talk about your problems”, “Do not let others in” , “Do not ask others for help”, “Try to avoid conflict and maintain the status quo”, “Try to build acceptance based on, not being who we are versus,… being ourselves”. Those who believe that doing the right thing brings love, acceptance, salvation, and happiness are at best deceiving themselves. The pursuit of the right things in the realm of a codependent is manipulation. The reverse of logic would be a healthier, clearer, identity-based logic: “I do this because love is already in me, and with that love in place I can intuitively sense, know, and understand…” Err... Much Love and Respect, Noni  "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler |
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3/24/2008 8:21 pm |
Noni. These are so beautifully written. All your works. Interdependency is better. Be good by yourself so you can enhance each other's lives.
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3/25/2008 9:31 am |
Thank you, DangerousBeauty! You are so kind.... Agreed Pretty Lady: To Thine Own Self Be True Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame! The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail, And you are stay'd for. There ... my blessing with thee! And these few precepts in thy memory Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act. Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel; But do not dull thy palm with entertainment Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in, Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement. Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; For the apparel oft proclaims the man; And they in France of the best rank and station Are of a most select and generous chief in that. Neither a borrower, nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. Farewell; my blessing season this in thee! -- William Shakespeare Much Love and Respect, Noni  "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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3/30/2008 7:31 am |
William Shakespeare knew human psycho much better than acclaimed masters of the subject.He was super master in it.But his ideas of love,with all respects to the greatman,were impractcable and perhaps he at no where in all his writings was able to define what love means.He tried rather played with human psychology when he meant`Love should be like a polestar`.I believe it was an Utopean idea.It pleases everybody but no body knows what love means.You always know you are in love when you are deeply involved, and in this stage if your love is like a polestar then you are inviting misery,grief, and self injury.Because when you are deeply involve it is ususally onesided and when you don`t receive matching response only you suffer only you.Let us not wate moretime of the site...peatt
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3/30/2008 7:01 pm |
William Shakespeare knew human psycho much better than acclaimed masters of the subject.He was super master in it.But his ideas of love,with all respects to the greatman,were impractcable and perhaps he at no where in all his writings was able to define what love means.He tried rather played with human psychology when he meant`Love should be like a polestar`.I believe it was an Utopean idea.It pleases everybody but no body knows what love means.You always know you are in love when you are deeply involved, and in this stage if your love is like a polestar then you are inviting misery,grief, and self injury.Because when you are deeply involve it is ususally onesided and when you don`t receive matching response only you suffer only you.Let us not wate moretime of the site...peatt Loll...or is that: "Do not trust the horse, Trojans. Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts." The same thought was also recorded by Sophocles (496 - 406 BC), in Ajax: Nought from the Greeks towards me hath sped well. So now I find that ancient proverb true, Foes' gifts are no gifts: profit bring they none. Yes...(smile) "Beware of 'Greeks' bearing gifts.... "Only a few things are really important." -- Marie Dressler
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